The sea got her. The sea was too strong for her. The sea got her in the end. ' She broke off, her mouth working strangely, and dragging at the corners. She began to cry noisily, harshly, her mouth open and her eyes dry. 'Mrs Danvers, ' I said. 'Mrs Danvers. ' I stood before her helplessly, not knowing what to do. I mistrusted her no longer, I was afraid of her no more, but the sight of her sobbing there, dry-eyed, made me shudder, made me ill. 'Mrs Danvers, ' I said, 'you're not well, you ought to be in bed. Why don't you go to your room and rest? Why don't you go to bed?' She turned on me fiercely. 'Leave me alone, can't you?' she said. 'What's it to do with you if I show my grief? I'm not ashamed of it, I don't shut myself up in my room to cry. I don't walk up and down, up and down, in my room like Mr de Winter, with the door locked on me. ' 'What do you mean?" I said. 'Mr de Winter does not do that. ' 'He did, ' she said, 'after she died. Up and down, up and down in the library. I heard him. I watched him too, through the keyhole, more than once. Backwards and forwards, like an animal in a cage. ' 'I don't want to hear, ' I said. 'I don't want to know. ' 'And then you say you made him happy on his honeymoon, ' she said; 'made him happy - you, a young ignorant girl, young enough to be his daughter. What do you know about life? What do you know about men? You come here and think you can take Mrs de Winter's place. You. You take my lady's place. Why, even the servants laughed at you when you came to Manderley. Even the little scullery-maid you met in the back passage there on your first morning. I wonder what Mr de Winter thought when he got you back here at Manderley, after his precious honeymoon was over. I wonder what he thought when he saw you sitting at the dining-room table for the first time. ' 'You'd better stop this, Mrs Danvers, ' I said; 'you'd better go to your room. ' 'Go to my room, ' she mimicked, 'go to my room. The mistress of the house thinks I had better go to my room. And after that, what then? You'll go running to Mr de Winter and saying, "Mrs Danvers has been unkind to me, Mrs Danvers has been rude. " You'll go running to him like you did before when Mr Jack came to see me. ' 'I never told him, ' I said. 'That's a lie, ' she said. 'Who else told him, if you didn't? No one else was here. Frith and Robert were out, and none of the other servants knew.
I made up my mind then I'd teach you a lesson, and him too. Let him suffer, I say. What do I care? What's his suffering to me? Why shouldn't I see Mr Jack here at Manderley? He's the only link I have left now with Mrs de Winter. "I'll not have him here, " he said. "I'm warning you, it's the last time. " He's not forgotten to be jealous, has he?' I remembered crouching in the gallery when the library door was open. I remembered Maxim's voice raised in anger, using the words that Mrs Danvers had just repeated. Jealous, Maxim jealous... 'He was jealous while she lived, and now he's jealous when she's dead, ' said Mrs Danvers. 'He forbids Mr Jack the house now like he did then. That shows you he's not forgotten her, doesn't it? Of course he was jealous. So was I. So was everyone who knew her. She didn't care. She only laughed. "I shall live as I please, Danny, " she told me, "and the whole world won't stop me. " A man had only to look at her once and be mad about her. I've seen them here, staying in the house, men she'd meet up in London and bring for weekends. She would take them bathing from the boat, she would have a picnic supper at her cottage in the cove. They made love to her of course; who would not? She laughed, she would come back and tell me what they had said, and what they'd done. She did not mind, it was like a game to her. Like a game. Who wouldn't be jealous? They were all jealous, all mad for her. Mr de Winter, Mr Jack, Mr Crawley, everyone who knew her, everyone who came to Manderley. ' 'I don't want to know, ' I said. 'I don't want to know. ' Mrs Danvers came close to me, she put her face near to mine. 'It's no use, is it?' she said. 'You'll never get the better of her. She's still mistress here, even if she is dead. She's the real Mrs de Winter, not you. It's you that's the shadow and the ghost. It's you that's forgotten and not wanted and pushed aside. Well, why don't you leave Manderley to her? Why don't you go?' I backed away from her towards the window, my old fear and horror rising up in me again. She took my arm and held it like a vice. 'Why don't you go?' she said. 'We none of us want you. He doesn't want you, he never did. He can't forget her. He wants to be alone in the house again, with her. It's you that ought to be lying there in the church crypt, not her. It's you who ought to be dead, not Mrs de Winter. ' She pushed me towards the open window.
I could see the terrace below me grey and indistinct in the white wall of fog. 'Look down there, ' she said. 'It's easy, isn't it? Why don't you jump? It wouldn't hurt, not to break your neck. It's a quick, kind way. It's not like drowning. Why don't you try it? Why don't you go?' The fog filled the open window, damp and clammy, it stung my eyes, it clung to my nostrils. I held on to the window-sill with my hands. 'Don't be afraid, ' said Mrs Danvers. 'I won't push you. I won't stand by you. You can jump of your own accord. What's the use of your staying here at Manderley? You're not happy. Mr de Winter doesn't love you. There's not much for you to live for, is there? Why don't you jump now and have done with it? Then you won't be unhappy any more. ' I could see the flower tubs on the terrace and the blue of the hydrangeas clumped and solid. The paved stones were smooth and grey. They were not jagged and uneven. It was the fog that made them look so far away. They were not far really, the window was not so very high. 'Why don't you jump?' whispered Mrs Danvers. 'Why don't you try?' The fog came thicker than before and the terrace was hidden from me. I could not see the flower tubs any more, nor the smooth paved stones. There was nothing but the white mist about me, smelling of seaweed dank and chill. The only reality was the window-sill beneath my hands and the grip of Mrs Danvers on my left arm. If I jumped I should not see the stones rise up to meet me, the fog would hide them from me. The pain would be sharp and sudden as she said. The fall would break my neck. It would not be slow, like drowning. It would soon be over. And Maxim did not love me. Maxim wanted to be alone again, with Rebecca. 'Go on, ' whispered Mrs Danvers. 'Go on, don't be afraid. ' I shut my eyes. I was giddy from staring down at the terrace, and my fingers ached from holding to the ledge. The mist entered my nostrils and lay upon my lips rank and sour. It was stifling, like a blanket, like an anaesthetic. I was beginning to forget about being unhappy, and about loving Maxim. I was beginning to forget Rebecca. Soon I would not have to think about Rebecca any more ... As I relaxed my hands and sighed, the white mist and the silence that was part of it was shattered suddenly, was rent in two by an explosion that shook the window where we stood. The glass shivered in its frame. I opened my eyes. I stared at Mrs Danvers. The burst was followed by another, and yet a third and fourth. The sound of the explosions stung the air and the birds rose unseen from the woods around the house and made an echo with their clamour. 'What is it?' I said stupidly. 'What has happened?' Mrs Danvers relaxed her grip upon my arm. She stared out of the window into the fog. 'It's the rockets, ' she said; 'there must be a ship gone ashore there in the bay. ' We listened, staring into the white fog together. And then we heard the sound of footsteps running on the terrace beneath us.
第19章
来人是迈克西姆。尽管我没看见人。但我听到他说话的声音。他一边疾步走来，一边高声传唤弗里思。我听见弗里思在门厅应了一声，接着走出屋子，奔上平台。居高临下望去，只见两人影影绰绰站在浓雾中。
“船已靠岸，”迈克西姆说。“我从海岬亲眼看着那条船漂进海湾，直往礁岩撞去。那些人费尽心机，可是因为潮水不顺，怎么也没法把船头扭过来。那船一定是把这儿的海湾错当作克里斯港了；海湾外面那一带，确实也像一堵堤岸。告诉宅子里的人，准备好吃喝的东西，万一那些船员有难，可以救急。打个电话到克劳利的办事处。把出事的经过跟他说一说。我这就回海湾去，看看能不能助一臂之力。麻烦你给我拿几支香烟来。”
丹弗斯太太从窗口抽身退回，她的睑色复又变得木然，重新戴上我所熟悉的那副冷漠的假面具。
“我们最好下楼去吧，”她说，“弗里思肯定会来找我，要我料理各种事务。德温特先生可能说到做到，把船员带回家来。当心您的双手，我要关窗了。”我退回房间，仍然头昏眼花地出着神，拿不准自己同丹弗斯太太之间是怎么一回事。我看着她关上窗户，下了百叶窗，还把窗帷拉上。
“幸好海上风浪不大，”她说。“不然，这些人就很少有幸存的希望。不过今天这样的天气不至于有什么危险。但要是像德温特先生所说的那样发生触礁事故，那船主就会损失一条船。”
她四下环顾着，看着房间里的一切是否都已有条不紊，各就各位。她把双人床上的罩单拉拉平整，接着就向外走去，拉开门让我通过。
“我会吩咐厨房里的下人好歹弄一顿冷餐，在餐厅把午饭开出来，”她说。“这样，随您什么时候进餐都可以。德温特先生要是在海湾忙着抢救海难，兴许到午后也不会急着赶回来。”
我面无表情地瞪眼望着她，接着就穿过开着的房门，走出屋去，浑身僵直，犹如一具木偶。
“太太，您如见到德温特先生，请转告他：如果他想把船员带回家来，那就看着办好了。不管什么时候，我都会替他们准备好一顿热饭。”
“行，”我说。“一定转告，丹弗斯太太。”
她一个转身，沿着走廊朝仆役专用楼梯走去，黑衣服裹着枯槁瘦长的身子，显得益发阴沉诡秘；那拖地的裙据就像三十年前用鲸骨撑开的老式长裙。接着，她拐过弯，在两道那一头消失了。
我拖着缓慢的步子朝拱形市道旁的门户走去。思想依然迟钝麻木，好比刚从一夜酣睡中苏醒过来。我推开门，漫无目标地沿楼梯拾级而下。弗里思正穿过大厅朝餐厅走去。他一见到我，就收住脚步，静候我走下楼梯。
“德温特先生几分钟前回来过，太太，”他说。“取了几支香烟又上海滩去了。看样子有艘船漂到岸上搁浅了。”
“哦，”我说。
“您听到号炮了吗，太太？”弗里思说。
“不错，我听到的，”我说。
“当时，我正同罗伯特两人在冷餐厨房，起先咱俩都以为是哪个园丁点着厂昨晚剩下的焰火，”弗里思说。“我还对罗伯特说，‘这样的时候干吗放焰火？干吗不留到星期六夜里放，让孩子们乐一乐？’后来又传来第二炮，接着响起第三炮，‘不是放焰火，’罗伯特说。‘是船只出事，’‘看来你说对了，’我说着赶忙跑到大厅，正在这时，听到德温特先生在平台上叫我。”
“哦，”我说。
“不过，这样的大雾天，船只出事也没什么奇怪，太太。刚才我正对罗伯特这么说来着。陆上行路都可能迷失方向，更不用说在海上了。”
“是啊，”我说。
“您也许想赶上德温特先生，他在两分钟之前刚穿过草坪往海滩走去，”弗里思说。
“谢谢你指点，弗里思，”我说。
我走出屋子，来到平台，只见草坪那头的树木正从雾中探出身来。浓雾化作团团微云，向空中升去，开始消散，水汽在我头上如烟圈般打旋。我抬头望望宅子上部的窗户，窗子都已关得严严实实，下着百叶窗，那模样就好像再也不准备开启，一辈子再也不会有人来推开窗户透气。
五分钟前我正站在居中的那扇大窗旁。此刻看来那窗子离我头顶距离极远，高高在上，何其巍然。我踩着坚硬的石块，低头看自己的双脚，接着又举目望望紧闭的百叶窗，这时我突然觉得一阵眩晕，浑身闷热难受，脖子背上淌下一股汗水的细流，眼前金星乱舞。于是，我又走回大厅，找了张椅子坐下。我的双手汗津津的，抱着膝盖，静坐着一动也不动。
“弗里思，”我高声唤人。“你在餐厅吗？”
“是的。太太有什么吩咐？”他立即从餐厅出来，穿过大厅，朝我走来。
“别以为我古怪，弗里思。不过，我此刻很想喝一小杯白兰地。”
“我这就去端来，太太。”
我还是抱着膝盖，静静坐着。他端着一个银托盘走回来，托盘上放着一杯酒。
“太太，您是不是觉得有点不好过？”弗里思说。“要不要去把克拉丽斯给您叫来？”
“不，我马上就会好的，弗里思，”我说。“我只不过觉得有点闷热，没什么大不了。”
“今儿个早上是很热，太太，热极了，甚至可以说问得让人透不过气。”
“不错，弗里思，是够闷热的。”
我喝下白兰地，把酒杯放回银托盘。“也许那几声号炮让您受惊了，”弗里思说。“炮声响得很突然呢。”
“是的，炮声吓了我一跳，”我说。
“昨晚整夜站着招待客人，今儿早晨又这么闷热，兴许您得病了，太太，”弗里思说。
“不，那还不至于，”我说。
“要不要躺一躺，休息半个钟头？藏书室倒还凉快。”
“不，不必。稍隔片刻我还得出去。别麻烦了，弗里思。”
“那好，太太。”
他走了，让我独自留在大厅里。坐在这儿倒挺安静，也还凉快。昨夜舞会留下的痕迹都已扫除干净，简直就像压根儿没发生过这回事。大厅还是平时那模样：色调灰暗，一片死寂，阴森严峻，墙上照样挂满人像画和兵器。我简直不敢相信，昨夜自己曾穿着那件蓝色袍子，站在楼梯脚跟前，同五百位来宾握手；我也不能想象，吟游诗人画廊里曾摆开乐谱架，小乐队在此演奏，有一个提琴手和一个鼓手。我站起身，出了门，又走上平台。
雾正消散，已往上退到树梢头。这时我已能看到草坪尽头的林子。在我的头顶惨淡的太阳正挣扎着想穿透雾蒙蒙的天空。天更加热了，正像弗里思刚才说的那样，闷得叫人透不过气。一只蜜蜂嗡嗡飞过我身旁，吵吵嚷嚷，东问西撞，寻着花香而去。待它钻进一朵花去采蜜，嗡嗡声才戛然而止。草坪边的草坡上，园丁开动了刈草机，一只红雀被飕飕作声的刈草刀片惊起，朝玫瑰园一溜烟飞去。园丁弓着身子，握着刈草机的手柄，沿草坡慢慢往前走，草屑和雏菊的小花四散飞扬。微风吹来，带着温热的草香；太阳透过白色的水汽，火辣辣地照在我头上。我打着唿哨，呼唤杰斯珀，但不见长耳狗的踪迹。也许这畜生随着迈克西姆往海滩去了，我看看手表，已经过了十二点半，差不多再过二十分钟就到一点，昨天这时候，迈克西姆和我正同弗兰克一起站在他家门前的小花园里，等候他的管家开午饭。这是二十四小时前的事。当时两人都在笑话我。想方设法要打听我将穿什么样的化装舞眼。我说：“你们俩不大吃一惊才怪呢！”
记起自己说过的这句话，我真是羞愧得无地自容。到这时我才意识到迈克西姆并未出走，自己原先的顾虑没有道理。我刚才听到他在平台上说话，那嗓音平和镇静，就事论事地吩咐别人干这干那，正是我所熟悉的声音，不像昨夜我出现在楼梯口时听到的嗓音那么可怕。迈克西姆并未出走！他在下面小海湾里的什么地方忙碌着。他还是老样子，神志正常而清醒。正如弗兰克所说，他只不过是出去散一会步；他到过海岬，在那儿见到有艘船漂近海岸。我的恐惧疑虑全是没有根据的。迈克西姆安然无恙；迈克西姆没出什么问题。我只是做了一场恶梦，一场有失身分的颠三倒四的恶梦，其含义即使在此刻我还不十分明白。我不愿回过头去重温这场恶梦，巴不得把它同遗忘已久的童年的恐怖经历一起，永远深埋在记忆的阴暗角落里。不过话说回来，只要迈克西姆还是好好的，即便做一场恶梦又有何妨！
于是，我也沿着陡峭的蜿蜒小径，穿过黑压压的林子，直奔坡下的海滩而去。
这时，雾已差不多散尽。来到小海湾，我一眼便瞧见那艘搁浅的船。船停在离岸两英里的地方，船头朝着礁岩。我沿着防波堤走去，在堤的尽头站定，身子倚在筑成圆弧形的堤墙上。山头悬崖边已聚集了一大群人，大概都是沿着海岸警卫队的巡逻路线从克里斯走来看热闹的。这儿的悬崖和海岬全是曼陀而庄园的一部分，但外人都一贯行使穿越悬崖的通行权。有些看热闹的闲人竟沿着峭壁爬下来，以便从近处观察搁浅的船只。那条船搁浅的角度很别扭，船尾往上翘着。这时已有好几条小艇从四面八方向搁浅的船只划去；救生艇已离岸出动，我看见有人正站在救生艇里通过扩音器哇啦哇啦叫嚷。此人说些什么，我听不清。海湾仍然蒙在迷雾中，望不见地平线。又有一艘汽艇突突地驶来，艇上站着好几个男人。那汽艇是深褐色的，我看见艇上的乘员穿着制服，大概是克里斯的港务长和随行的劳埃德协会①代办。另一艘满载度假旅客的汽艇跟随在后，从克里斯驶来，两艘汽艇围着搁浅的轮船来回绕圈子，艇上的人正起劲地议论着什么。我听到这些人说话的声音在静静的水面上飘过，引起回响——
①英国的船舶注册协会，发布年鉴，载明船舶的等级、吨位等。
我离开防波堤和小海湾，沿着小径爬过悬崖，朝那些看热闹的人走去。到处都不见迈克西姆的踪影。弗兰克倒是在场，对着一名海岸警卫队员说话。见到弗兰克，我一时有些发窘，赶忙把身子缩回。不满一小时之前，我不是还在电话里对着他哭鼻子吗？我站在一旁进退维谷。可他一眼看见了我，向我挥手致意。我便朝着他和那个海岸警卫队员走过来，警卫队员认识我。
“来看热闹吗，德温特夫人？”他微笑着对我说。“事情恐怕很棘手；拖轮能不能把船头拨过来，我看还成问题。船已搁在那块暗礁上，动弹不得了。”
“他们准备怎么办？”我说。
“马上派潜水员下去检查，看看有没有把龙骨撞破，”他回答说。“那边一位戴红色圆锥形绒线帽的就是潜水员。要不要用这副镜子看看？”
我接过他的望远镜，对准那条船望去，看到一群人瞪大眼睛检查船尾，其中一个正对着什么指手划脚；救生艇里那汉子还是拿着话筒大声叫嚷。
克里斯的港务长业已登上搁浅船只的尾部；戴绒线帽的潜水员坐在港务长的灰色汽艇里待命。
那艘满载游客的观光汽艇还是一味围着大船绕圈子，一位女客站在艇里，拍了一张照片。一群海鸥落在水面上，愚蠢地聒噪着，指望有谁撒点儿食物碎屑让它们饱餐一顿。
我把望远镜还给海岸警卫队员。
“好像不见有什么进展，”我说。
“潜水员马上就会下水的，”海岸警卫说。“当然，开始时候总有一番讨价还价，跟外国人打交道全这样。瞧，拖轮来了。”
“拖轮也搞不出什么名堂，”弗兰克说。“看那船的角度。那儿的海水比我原先想象的要浅得多呢。”
“那块暗瞧离岸远，”海岸警卫说。“坐小船在那片海域航行，一般不会注意到它。可这是艘大船，吃水深，自然就碰上了。”
“号炮响时，我正在山谷旁边的第一个小海湾里，”弗兰克说。“三码以外啥也看不见。接着就冷不防响起了号炮声。”
我不禁想到，在休戚与共的时刻，人与人多么相像。弗兰克描述他听到号炮的那一幕，简直就是弗里思方才那番叙述的翻版，好像这事儿至关事要，我们都挺在乎似的。其实，我知道他到海滩去是为了寻找迈克西姆；我看出来，他同我一样，也在担心。而此刻，这一切全被遗忘，暂时都被置诸脑后——我俩在电话里的交谈，我俩共同的焦虑不安以及他再三再四说必须见我一面的表示。遗忘的全部原因就在于一艘船在大雾中搁浅了。
一个小男孩朝我们奔来。“船员会淹死吗？”小男孩问。
“他们才不会呢！船员都好端端的，小家伙，”海岸警卫说。“海面平稳，简直同我的手背一样。这一回，决不会有人死伤。”
“要是昨天夜里出事，我们就听不到号炮声了，”弗兰克说。“我们放了五十多个焰火，还有不少鞭炮。”
“我们可照样能听见，”海岸警卫说。“一见号炮的闪光，我们就能认准出事的方向。德温特夫人，看见那潜水员吗？他正在戴上头盔。”
“让我看看潜水员，”小男孩说。
“喏，在那边，”弗兰克俯身指着远处对他说。“就是正在戴头盔的那人。人们就要把他从船上放到水底下去了。”
“他不会被淹死吗？”孩子问。
“潜水员从来不淹死，”海岸警卫说。“他们不停地用气泵给潜水员输送氧气。注意看着他怎么下水。这不下去啦？”
水面晃荡了一会儿，过后又恢复平静。“他下水了，”小男孩说。
“迈克西姆在哪里？”我问。
“他带着一名船员到克里斯去了，”弗兰克说。“船搁浅时，那人大概吓昏了头，一纵身就跳水逃命，我们发现他在这儿的悬崖底下抱着一块礁岩，当然已湿漉漉地成了落汤鸡，浑身上下筛糠似地发抖。这人自然一句英语也不会说。迈克西姆攀下礁岩，发现此人撞在岩石上，划破一个口子，正在大出血，迈克西姆对水手说德语，接着便招呼一艘从克里斯驶来的汽艇，那汽艇当时正在左近游大，活像一条饥肠辘辘的鲨鱼。迈克西姆带着那水手找医生包扎去了。要是运气好，他可能会趁着菲力普斯老头坐下吃午饭那工夫，抓着他给治一治。”
“他什么时候走了？”我问。
“他刚走，您就来了，”弗兰克说。“大概是五分钟之前吧。您怎么没看见那汽艇？他同那德国水手坐在船尾。”
“大概没等我攀上悬岸，他已经走远，”我说。
“处理这类事情，迈克西姆真可谓首屈一指，”弗兰克说。“只要有办法，他总是乐于助人的。您等着瞧，他会把所有船员都请到曼陀丽去作客，给他们吃的，还会招待他们过夜。”
“一点不假，”海岸警卫说。“这位先生会脱下自己的上衣技在别人身上，这我知道。郡里像他这样好心肠的人要是多几位，那才好呢！”
“说得对，我们需要这样的人，”弗兰克说。
大家还是目不转睛地盯着那艘船。几条拖轮仍然没靠上去，而那条救生艇则已掉过头，往克里斯方向开回去了。
“今天不该那条救生艇值班，”海岸警卫说。
“哦，”弗兰克说。“依我看，那些拖轮也无能为力。这回该让拆卸废船的商人们大捞一票了。”
海鸥在我们头顶上盘旋，鸣声凄厉，就像一群饿得发慌的馋猫。几只海鸥飞落在悬崖处的chuan岩上，其余的胆子更大，在船边的海面上飞掠而过。
海岸警卫脱下制帽，擦试着额头。
“好像一丝儿风也没有，对不？”他问。
“是啊，”我说。
观光汽艇载着那些拍照片的游客突突地朝克里斯驶去。“那些人腻啦，”海岸警卫说。
“这也怪不得他们，”弗兰克说。“几小时之内不会再有什么新鲜事儿。在他们动手投转船头之前，得等候潜水员的报告。”
“这倒不假，”海岸警卫说。
“我看逗留在这儿也没多大意思，”弗兰克说。“我们又插不上手，我想吃午饭了。”
因为我没吭声，他也迟疑着没挪步。我感到他正盯着我看。
“您准备怎么样？”他问。
“我想再在这儿呆一会儿，”我说。“随便什么时候吃午饭都行，反正是冷餐，早吃晚吃都没关系。我想看看潜水员怎么操作。”不知什么缘故，我这时无论如何没脸跟弗兰克单独说话。我宁愿子身独处，要不就跟哪个陌生人拉扯一阵闲话，譬如说眼下这个海岸警卫队员。
“您不会再看到什么有趣的事了，”弗兰克说。“不会再有什么趣闻的。于吗不同我一起回去吃点中饭？”
“不，”我说。“实在不想吃……”
“好吧，那么，”弗兰克说，“要是有什么吩咐，您知道到哪儿去找我。整个下午，我都在办事处。”
“好的，”我说。
他朝海岸警卫一点头，攀下悬崖，朝小海湾走去。我不知道自己是不是惹他着恼了。要说冒犯，我也是事出无奈。这些不愉快的事情，总有一天，等到将来的某一天，都会解决的，自从在电话上同他交谈以来，事件层出不穷，我可不愿再为任何事情去伤脑筋。我只希望静静地坐在悬崖上，眺望那艘出事的船只。
“他可是个好人，我是说克劳利先生，”海岸警卫说。
“是的，”我说。
“他还愿为德温特先生赴汤蹈火呢，”他说。
“是的，我也觉得他乐于助人，”我说。
那小男孩还在我们跟前的草地上蹦跳着玩儿。
“潜水员要多久再浮上水面？”小男孩问。
“早着呢，小家伙，”海岸警卫说。
一个身穿浅红色条纹上衣、头戴发网的妇人穿过草地。朝我们走来。“查理，查理，你在哪里？”妇人边走边叫。
“你妈来啦，等着挨骂吧，”海岸警卫说。
“妈，我见到潜水员了，”男孩大叫。
妇人微笑着向我们点头致意。这人并不认识我，是从克里斯来的度假游客。“精彩好戏大概都收场了，对吗？”妇人说。“那边悬崖上的人都说这条船肯定会搁浅好几天。”
“大家都在等潜水员的报告，”海岸警卫说。
“我不明白，他们怎么有办法打发潜水员下水，”妇人说，“待遇一定不错吧。”
“他们确实付出不少钱，”海岸警卫说。
“妈，我要当潜水员，”小男孩说。
“那可得问你爹去，宝贝儿，”妇人说，一边朝我们笑笑。“这地方真美，是不是？”妇人对我说，“我们带了吃的，准备中午野餐，不料碰上大雾天，又加上船只失事。号炮响时，我们正准备回克里斯去，但突然炮声大作，就像在我们鼻子底下发射似的，我吓了一大跳。‘嗬，那是什么声音？’我问丈夫，‘那是海难信号，’他说，‘咱们别往回走，去看看热闹吧。’我怎么也没办法把他拖回去，他呀，跟我这小儿子一样不可救药。至于我，实在不觉得有什么好看。”
“不错，现在是没什么好戏可看了，”海岸警卫说。
“那边的树林风景真美，大概是私人地产吧，”妇人说。
海岸警卫很不自然地咳嗽一声，向我丢了一个眼色，我嘴里嚼着一根草，故意把目光移开。
“不错，那儿全是私人地产，”他说。
“我丈夫说，这些大庄园迟早都要铲平，改建起平房，”妇人说。“我觉得在这儿面朝大海造一座漂亮的小平房，倒挺不错。不过，我大概不会喜欢这儿的冬天。”
“您说得对。冬天这一带很冷清，”海岸警卫说。
我还是自顾自嚼草茎；小男孩绕着圈子来回奔跑。海岸警卫看着手表说：“嗯，我得走了。再见！”他向我行过礼，转身沿着小径往克里斯方向去了。“走吧，查理，找你爸爸去，”妇人说。
她向我友善地颔首致意，信步朝悬崖的边沿走去，小男孩奔跑着跟在她身后。一个穿土黄色短裤和条纹运动茄克的瘦子向妇人招手。三人在一簇荆豆属灌木旁席地而坐，那妇人动手打开盛食物的纸袋。
我多么希望丢开自己的身分，成为他们中的一分子，大嚼熟透的煮鸡蛋和罐装夹肉面包，开怀放声大笑，同他们拉扯家常，然后到了下午，就随他们漫步走回克里斯，在沙滩上赛跑，等回到他们的住所，大家以海虾作为点心。可是这一切都是做不到的。我还是得独自穿过林子回曼陀丽去，等候迈克西姆。至于两人会谈些什么，他会用何种眼光看我，说话时声音是悲是怒，我全不知道。我坐在悬崖上，一点不觉得饿，压根儿没想到吃午饭。
闲人更多了，全爬上山来看那艘船。这是当天下午耸人听闻的头号精彩新闻。闲人都是从克里斯来的度假游客，我一个也不认识。海面平静如镜。海鸥已不再在头顶盘旋，而是飞落在离搁浅船不远的水面上。下午，有更多的观光汽艇驶来；对于克里斯驾艇出游的人来说，这一天不啻是个盛大的节日。潜水员曾浮上水面，可后来又下潜了。一艘拖轮吐着烟驶走了，另一艘留在近处待命。港务长乘坐灰色汽艇，驶离现场，身边带着几个人，其中包括再次浮上水面的潜水员。在出事的船只上，水手倚着舷侧，向海鸥撒食物残屑。观光小艇上的游客缓慢地划着桨，绕着大船打来回。真是一点儿新鲜事也没有！这时恰逢最低潮，那船倾侧得相当厉害，连螺旋桨都能看得一清二楚。酉边的天空出现了层层叠叠的白云；太阳显得惨白无力；天还是热得够呛。那个穿红色条纹上衣、带小男孩的妇人站起身来，沿着小径，信步朝克里斯方向走去；那穿短裤的男子拎着野餐食品篮跟在后边。
我看看手表，已经三点多了。我站起身，下山朝小海湾走去。海湾同平时一样，静悄悄的不见人影，圆卵石呈现一片深深的暗灰色。小埠头内的海水亮晃晃的，就像一面镜子。我走过圆卵石时脚下发出古怪的嘎吱声，重叠的云层这时已布满头顶的天空，太阳钻进了云堆。当我来到小湾子靠大海的一边时，我看见贝恩正蹲在两块礁石中间的一起海水中，把小海螺往手心里攒。我走过他身边，影子恰好投射在水面上。贝恩抬起头来，看见是我，马上咧嘴一笑。
“白天好，”他说。
“午安，”我说。
他慌忙站起身来，展开一块污秽的手巾，里头全是他摸来的小海螺。
“你吃这玩艺儿吗？”他问。
我不想伤害他的感情，于是就说：“谢谢你。”
他倒了五六只海螺在我手上，我把它们分别塞进衬衣的两个口袋。“跟面包黄油一起吃味道可好呢，”他说。“你得先把它们煮熟。”
“是的，我明白，”我说。
他站在那儿一个劲儿冲着我憨笑。“见到那艘轮船了吗？”他问。
“见了，”我说。“搁浅，对不对？”
“啥？”他说。
“那船搁浅了，”我重复说一遍。“船底可能已撞了个洞。”
他脸上突然没了表情，摆了一副傻相，“没错儿，”他说。“她在那底下挺好的。她不会回来了。”
“等到涨潮，说不定拖轮能把船拉走，”我说。
他没回答，掉转头望着海湾外搁浅的船。从这儿望出去，可以看到船的舷侧，船身的水线以下部分暴露在外，涂着红漆，恰好与黑色的上部形成对照。那根独一无二的烟囱，洋洋自得的歪头对着远处的悬崖。水手们还是倚着舷侧喂海鸥，凝望着海水，小艇正划四克里斯去。
“那是条德国船，对吧？”贝恩说。
“我不知道，”我说。“不知是德国还是荷兰的。”
“撞上暗礁的部位一定破了，”他说。
“恐怕是这样。”我说。
他再次露齿一笑，用手背擦擦鼻子。
“这条船会一块一块地碎裂，”他说。“它可不会像上回那小船，咕咚就沉到海底。”他自得其乐地一笑，伸出手指去掏鼻子。我没吭声。“鱼儿已把她吃光了，对吗？”他说。
“谁？”我问。
他翘起大拇指，朝海面方向示意。“她，”他说。“那另一位。”
“鱼儿不会吃船的，贝恩，”我说。
“啥？”他问，一边瞪眼望着我，又摆出那种木然的傻相。
“我得回家去，”我说。“再见。”
我撇下他，朝那条穿林子而过的小径走去，故意不往海滩小屋看一眼。我知道小屋就在我的右方，阴沉沉，静悄悄。我径直步入小径，上坡穿林而去。走到半路，我收住脚步，稍事休息，透过树丛仍能望见向海岸倾侧着的搁浅船只。观光游艇都已开走，失事船上的水手也钻进下面的舱房不见了。层层叠叠的云块遮没了整个天空。不知从哪个方向刮起一阵轻风，迎面吹来。一片树叶从头顶落下，掉在我手上。我莫名其妙地打了个寒颤。接着，风停了，天又变得像刚才那样闷热。那艘船倾侧着动弹不得，甲板上不见一个人影，细长的黑色烟囱指向海岸，好不凄凉！海上风平浪静，所以海水冲洗着小湾子里的圆卵石，只发出有节制的轻微声响。我再次挪动脚步，沿着小径，穿过林子走去。我只觉得双腿不听使唤，举步勉强，头部沉甸甸的，心头充满一种异样的不祥预感。
我走出林子，穿过草坪。宅子看上去何其宁静，像是一处由人加以护卫的隐蔽的藏身所，英姿更胜往日。我站在草坡边，望着低处的宅子，困惑和自豪奇特地交织在一起，兴许是第一次真正意识到这就是我的家，我的归宿在这里，曼陀丽属我所有。带竖框的窗子映着这儿的一草一木和平台上的盆花。一缕轻烟正从一个烟囱徐徐升上天空。草坪上刚经刈割的青草透出一股干草似的甜香。栗子树上有一只画眉在婉转啼鸣，一只黄色的蝴蝶在我面前胡乱扇动翅膀，向平台飞去。
我走进屋子，穿过门厅，来到餐厅。我的那副刀叉餐具还在原处，可迈克西姆那一副已撤去了。餐具柜上给我留了冷猪肉和凉拌菜。我迟疑了半响，接着伸手拉铃，罗伯特从帷幕后走进屋来。
“德温特先生回来了？”我问。
“是的，太太，”罗伯特说。“他两点过后回来，草草吃完中饭又走了。他问起您，弗里思说大概在海滩看那艘搁浅的船。”
“老爷说过什么时候回来吗？”我问。
“没有，太太。”
“也许，他走另一条路去了海滩，”我说。“我俩正好错过。”
“是的，太太，”罗伯特说。
我看看冷猪肉和凉拌菜，虽觉肚里空空，但不想吃东西。此刻，我不想吃冷猪肉。“您这就吃午饭？”罗伯特问。
“不，”我说。“不吃。请给我端茶，罗伯特，送到藏书室。不要蛋糕、煎饼之类的东西。清茶一杯，外加黄油面包就行了。”
“遵命，太太。”
我走进藏书室，在临窗座位上坐下。杰斯珀不在跟前，我觉得很不自在。小狗一定在迈克西姆身边。那条老狗躺在篓子里睡大觉。我捡起《泰晤士报》，顺手翻过几页，可什么也没读进去。我这会儿的自我感觉有点反常，仿佛是在原地踏步挨时间，又像在牙科医师的候诊室里坐等。我知道，这时绝对没法安下心来做编结活，也读不进书。我等着出事儿！某种未能预见的意外。一早上担惊受怕已经够我受了，不料接着又发生船只搁浅的事，加上没吃午饭——这一切竟使我在思想深处产生某种自己无法理解的潜伏的兴奋感。我像是跨进了生活里的一个新阶段，一切都变得与昨天不完全相同。昨晚穿戴整齐参加化装舞会的那女人已留在往昔，舞会至今，像是已过了好长一段时间。这会儿临窗而坐的我是个新人，是个经历了蜕变的新人……罗伯特给我端来茶点，我狼吞虎咽地吃黄油面包。他还端来一些煎饼和几片夹肉面包，外加一块蛋糕。他一定觉得单单端上黄油面包有失体面，自然也不合曼陀丽的老规矩。见到煎饼和蛋糕，我很高兴，这时我才记起除了早上十一点半喝过的几口冷茶，我连早饭也不曾吃。我喝过第三杯茶，罗伯特又进屋来了。
“德温特先生还没口来吧，太太，”他说。
“没有，”我说。“什么事？有人找他？”
“是的，太太，”罗伯特说。“克里斯的港务长、海军上校塞尔来电话找老爷。他问是否同意他到这儿找德温特先生亲自谈一谈。”
“我不知道怎么回答才好，”我说。“他可能老半天也不回来。”
“是的，太太。”
“你去对他说，让他五点钟再打来，”我吩咐说。不料罗伯特离开房间一会儿，又走了回来。
“塞尔海军上校说如果方便，他想找您谈谈，太太。”罗伯特说。“上校说事情相当紧急，他打电话找克劳利先生，可没人接听。”
“那行，倘若是急事，我当然必须见他，”我说。“告诉他如果他愿意，请他马上就来。他有车吗？”
“我想有吧，太太。”
罗伯特走出房间去。我暗自纳闷，我该对塞尔海军上校说些什么呢？此人来访一定跟船只搁浅有关，可我不明白，这关迈克西姆什么事。要是船在小海湾里搁了浅，那自然又当别论，因为海湾位于曼陀丽庄园地界之内，也许，他们想把礁岩炸掉，或是采取其他救护措施，所以来征求迈克西姆的同意。可是那片开阔的公用海湾以及水底下的暗礁都不归迈克西姆所有。塞尔海军上校找我谈这些，只能是浪费时间。
此人一定是搁下电话筒就上车动身的，所以不到一刻钟，他已被引领着走进藏书室来。
他身穿制服，还是那身下午一两点钟光景我在望远镜里看到的打扮。我从临窗的座位上站起，同他握手。“很抱歉我丈夫还没回来，塞尔海军上校，”我说。“他一定又上了海边的悬崖。在这之前，他进城到过克里斯。我一整天没见他人影。”
“不错，我听说他到过克里斯，可是我没在城里遇上他，”港务长说。“他一准翻过那几座山头步行回来了，而当时我还坐着汽艇留在海上。另外，克劳利先生也到处找不到。”
“恐怕那艘船一出事，大家都乱了套啦，”我说。“我也在山头上看热闹，午饭也没吃。我知道，克劳利先生方才也在那儿。这艘船现在怎么办？您说拖轮能把它拖开吗？”
塞尔海军上校用双手在空中划了个大圈。“船底撞破了个洞，有这么大，”他说。“船开不回汉堡啦，这事不用咱们操心，尽可让船主和劳埃德协会的代办去商量着解决。不，德温特夫人，我不是为了那艘船才登门拜访的。当然，船只出事也可以说是我来访的间接原因。简单点说，我有消息向德温特先生奉告，可我简直不知道用什么方法对他说才好。”他那双明亮的蓝眼睛笔直地望着我。
“什么样的消息，塞尔海军上校？”
他从衣袋掏出一块白色的大手帕，攥了攥鼻子，然后才说：“呃，德温特夫人，向您奉告，我同样觉得很为难，我实在不愿给您和您丈夫带来苦恼和悲痛。您知道，咱们克里斯城的人都热爱德温特先生。这个家族始终不吝于造福公众。我们无法让往事就此埋没，这对他对您都是很痛苦的，不过鉴于目前的情况，又实在不得不重提往事。”他顿了片刻，把手帕塞回衣袋，接着，尽管屋子里只有他同我两人，他却压着嗓门往下说：
“我们派潜水员下去察看船底，这人在底下发现了重要情况。事情的大概经过是这样：他发现船底的大洞之后，就潜向船的另一侧检查，看看是否还有其他遭受损坏的部位。这时，他不期然在大船的一侧碰上一艘小帆船的龙骨，那龙骨完好无损，一点没撞破。当然罗，潜水员是本地人，他一眼就认出那原来是已故德温特夫人的小帆船。”
我的第一个反应是感恩不尽，幸好迈克西姆不在场。昨晚我的化装惹出一场风波，紧接着又来这么一下新的打击，真是老天捉弄人，太可怕了！
“我很难过，”我一字一顿地说。“这种事谁也没料到。是不是非告诉德温特先生不可？难道不能让帆船就这么沉在海底算了？又碍不着谁的，是不是？”
“德温特夫人，在正常情况下自然可以让沉船留在海底。这个世界上，我要算最不愿意去打扰这艘沉船的人了；另外，正如我刚才所说，要是我有办法使德温特先生免受刺激，我甘愿作出任何牺牲。但事情并不到此为止，德温特夫人。我派出的潜水员在小帆船前后左右察看了一番，发现另一个更加重要的情况，船舱的门关得严严实实，海浪并没把它打穿；舷窗也都关闭着。潜水员从海底捡了块石头，砸碎一扇舷窗，伸头往舱里张望，船舱里满是水，一定是船底某处有个洞，海水就从那儿涌了进来，除此之外，看不出船上还有其他受到破坏的部位。可是接下来，潜水员看到了有生以来最骇人的景象，德温特夫人。”
塞尔海军上校收住话头，回头一望，像是怕被仆人偷听了去。“舱里躺着一具尸骸，”他轻声说。“当然，尸体已经腐烂，肌肉都消蚀了。不过还能看出那确是一具尸体，潜水员辨认出头颅和四肢。接着，他就浮上水面，直接向我报告了详情。现在您该明白了，德温特夫人，为什么我非见您丈夫不可。”
我瞪眼望着他，始而莫名其妙，继而大惊失色，接着胸口一阵难过。简直想吐。
“都以为她是独自出海去的，”我轻声哺哺着。“这么说来，自始至终一定有人跟她在一起，而别人全不知道？”
“看来是这么一回事，”港务长说。
“那会是谁呢？”我问。“要是有人失踪，家属亲人肯定会发现的。当时都沸沸扬扬传说这件事，报上也是连篇累牍的报道。可是这两位航海人，怎么一个留在舱内，德温特夫人的尸体却过了几个月在好几英里之外被捞了起来？”
塞尔海军上校摇摇头说：“我同您一样，猜不透其中底细。我们掌握的全部情况就是舱里有具尸骸，而这事又非上报不可。我怕事情会因此同个满城风雨，德温特夫人。我想不出有什么办法可以封住人们的嘴。对您和德温特先生说来，这是桩很不愉快的事情。你们二位在这儿安安静静过日子，希望生活美满，可偏偏出了这样的事。”
我现在明白了自己为什么有不祥的预感。原来，凶险的不是那艘搁浅的船，也不是那些厉声怪叫的海鸥，或是那根朝着海岸倾斜的细长的黑烟囱。可怕的乃是那纹丝不动的暗黑色的海水及水底下的秘密；可怕的是潜水员下潜到冰凉、寂寥的海底，偶然中撞上了吕蓓卡的船和吕蓓卡旅伴的尸体。此人的手已摸过那条船，他还曾朝船舱里张望；与此同时，我却坐在海边悬崖上，对这些事一无所知。
“要是不必对他说起，”我说，“要是能把整个事情瞒着他，那就好了。”
“您知道，德温特夫人，只要有可能，我一定会瞒着他的，”港务长说。“但是事情关系重大，我个人的好恶只得撇在一边。我得履行职责。发现了尸体，我非上报不可。”他突然停住，因为正在这时门开了，迈克西姆走进屋来。
“你好，”他说，“出了什么事了？我不知道大驾光临，塞尔海军上校。有何见教？”
我再也忍受不下去，只好还自己怯懦妇人的本来面目，走出藏书室，顺手把门带上。我甚至没敢往迈克西姆的脸看一眼，只是依稀觉得他没戴帽子，穿着很不整洁，一副疲惫不堪的神态。
我傍着正门，站在大厅里，杰斯珀正从盆子里饮水，舌头舔得好不热闹。狗见了我。顿时摇尾乞怜，一面则继续喝水。喝够了水，长耳狗慢腾腾跨着大步跑到我跟前，后肢着地站立着，用前肢搔我的衣服。我吻了一下狗的额头，接着就走过去在平台坐下。危机终于降临了，我得面对现实才好。多少时间以来郁积的恐惧，我的怯懦，我的腼腆羞态，我那种百般驱之不去的自卑感——眼下这一切非克服不可，都得暂时靠边站。这一回要是再失败，那就一辈子输定了，再也不会有另外的机会。我在盲目的绝望中祈祷苍天赐我勇气，狠狠用指甲掐自己的手。我坐着呆呆凝望草坪和平台上的盆花，足足有五分钟之久。然后，我听到车道上有汽车开动的声音。一定是塞尔海军上校，他把事情经过对迈克西姆原原本本交代清楚，就驾车走了。我站起身，拖着缓慢的步子，穿过大厅，往藏书室走去，一边不住地在衣袋里翻弄贝思给我的小海螺，接着又把它们紧紧捏在手里。
迈克西姆站在窗前，背对着我。我在门旁站定，等他转过身来，可他照样一动也没动。我把双手抽出衣袋，走去站在他身旁。我执着他的手，把它贴在自己的脸颊上。他还是一声不吭，站在那儿出神。
“我真难过”，我低声说。“难过极了。”他没有回答我。他的手冰凉冰凉。我吻他的手背，接着吻他的手指，一个接着一个。“我不愿让你独自经受这一切，”我说，“我与你分担。二十四小时之内，迈克西姆，我已长大成人，永远不再是一个小孩了。”
他伸出手臂，把我紧紧搂在身边。什么矜持，什么腼腆，都从我身上一扫而光。我用脸擦着他的肩胛，问道：“你原谅我了吗？”
他总算对我说话了：“原谅你？你做了什么事竟要我原谅？”
“昨晚的事，”我说。“你大概以为我是故意的。”
“喔，那事我已忘啦，”他说。“我对你发脾气了，是不？”
“是的，”我说。
他不再说什么，只是仍然把我紧紧搂着。“迈克西姆，”我说，“我们难道不能一切从头开始？两人不能从今天起同甘共苦吗？我不奢望你爱我，我不作非分之想，让我做你的朋友和伴侣吧，就算一个贴身小厮。我只有这点要求。”
他用双手捧起我的脸，凝视着我。我这才发现他的脸那么瘦削，上面皱纹密布，神容憔悴，眼圈浮肿得厉害。
“你对我的爱究竟有多深？”他问。
我一时答不上来，只能呆呆地看他，望着他失魂落魄的深色双眼和那苍白而憔悴的脸。
“一切都晚啦，宝贝，太晚了，”他说。“我们失去了绝无仅有的过幸福日子的机会。”
“不，迈克西姆，别这么说，”我说。
“我要说，”他说。“现在一切全完了。事情终于发生了。”
“什么事？”我问。
“一直在我料想中的事，日复一日，夜复一夜，我都梦见这事发生。我们注定没好日子过。我是说你我两人。”他在临窗位子上坐下，我跪在他面前，双手搭着他的肩。
“你在说些什么？”我问。
他用自己的双手覆盖着我的手，探究我的脸色。“吕蓓卡得胜了，”他说。
我目不转睛地望着他，心跳的节奏都变得异样了，被他握着的双手顿时变得冰冷。
“她的幽灵老是在你我中间徘徊，”他说。“她那该死的阴影始终横插在你我两人中间。我老在心底犯疑，这事总有一天会暴露出来，怀着这种恐惧心理，我的宝贝儿，我亲爱的小宝贝，我怎么能像现在这样拥抱你呢？我一直记得她临死时看我的眼神，那种慢慢在嘴角荡开的不怀好意的微笑。就在当时她已知道事情会暴露的；她深信自己最终一定会得胜。”
“迈克西姆，”我在他耳畔柔声说，“你在说些什么？你都对我说了些什么？”
“她的船被人发现了，”他说。“是今天下午被潜水员发现的。”
“不错，”我说。“这我知道。塞尔海军上校来通知的。你是在想那具尸体吧？就是潜水员在船舱里发现的那具尸体。”
“是的，”他说。
“这说明她当时不是一个人，”我说。“这说明吕蓓卡当时和另一个人一起出航。你现在得查明这人是谁。就是这么一回事，对吗，迈克西姆？”
“不，”他说。“不，你不明白。”
“我要同你分担这份愁苦，宝贝，”我说。“让我助你一臂之力。”
“谁也没同吕蓓卡在一起，她是独自一人，”他说。
我跪在地上，盯着他的脸，盯着他的双眼。
“船舱里躺着的是吕蓓卡的尸体，”他说。
“不，”我说。“不是的。”
“埋入墓穴的不是吕蓓卡，”他说。“那是一个没人认领无名女尸。当时压根儿没发生什么海难事故。吕蓓卡不是淹死的。是我杀了她。我在小海湾处的海滩小屋开枪打死了吕蓓卡，接着把她的尸体拖进船舱，当夜把船开出去，让她沉没在今天他们发现她的地方。死在船舱里的是吕蓓卡。现在请你看着我的眼睛告诉我，你还爱我吗？
Chapter nineteen
It was Maxim. I could not see him but I could hear his voice. He was shouting for Frith as he ran. I heard Frith answer from the hall and come out on the terrace. Their figures loomed out of the mist beneath us. 'She's ashore all right, ' said Maxim. 'I was watching her from the headland and I saw her come right into the bay, and head for the reef. They'll never shift her, not with these tides. She must have mistaken the bay for Kerrith harbour. It's like a wall out there, in the bay. Tell them in the house to stand by with food and drink in case these fellows want anything, and ring through to the office to Mr Crawley and tell him what's happened. I'm going back to the cove to see if I can do anything. Get me some cigarettes, will you?' Mrs Danvers drew back from the window. Her face was expressionless once more, the cold white mask that I knew. 'We had better go down, ' she said, 'Frith will be looking for me to make arrangements. Mr de Winter may bring the men back to the house as he said. Be careful of your hands, I'm going to shut the window. ' I stepped back into the room still dazed and stupid, not sure of myself or of her. I watched her close the window and fasten the shutters, and draw the curtains in their place. 'It's a good thing there is no sea running, ' she said, 'there wouldn't have been much chance for them then. But on a day like this there's no danger. The owners will lose their ship, though, if she's run on the reef as Mr de Winter said. ' She glanced round the room to make certain that nothing was disarranged or out of place. She straightened the cover on the double bed. Then she went to the door and held it open for me. 'I will tell them in the kitchen to serve cold lunch in the dining-room after all, ' she said, 'and then it won't matter what time you come for it.
Mr de Winter may not want to rush back at one o'clock if he's busy down there in the cove. ' I stared at her blankly and then passed out of the open door, stiff and wooden like a dummy. 'When you see Mr de Winter, Madam, will you tell him it will be quite all right if he wants to bring the men back from the ship? There will be a hot meal ready for them any time. ' 'Yes, ' I said. 'Yes, Mrs Danvers. ' She turned her back on me and went along the corridor to the service staircase, a weird gaunt figure in her black dress, the skirt just sweeping the ground like the full, wide skirts of thirty years ago. Then she turned the corner of the corridor and disappeared. I walked slowly along the passage to the door by the archway, my mind still blunt and slow as though I had just woken from a long sleep. I pushed through the door and went down the stairs with no set purpose before me. Frith was crossing the hall towards the dining-room. When he saw me he stopped, and waited until I came down into the hall. 'Mr de Winter was in a few moments ago, Madam, ' he said. 'He took some cigarettes, and then went back again to the beach. It appears there is a ship gone ashore. ' 'Yes, ' I said. 'Did you hear the rockets, Madam?' said Frith. 'Yes, I heard the rockets, ' I said. 'I was in the pantry with Robert, and we both thought at first that one of the gardeners had let off a firework left over from last night, ' said Frith, 'and I said to Robert, "What do they want to do that for in this weather? Why don't they keep them for the kiddies on Saturday night?" And then the next one came, and then the third. "That's not fireworks, " says Robert, "that's a ship in distress. " "I believe you're right, " I said, and I went out to the hall and there was Mr de Winter calling me from the terrace. ' 'Yes, ' I said. 'Well, it's hardly to be wondered at in this fog, Madam. That's what I said to Robert just now. It's difficult to find your way on the road, let alone on the water. ' 'Yes, ' I said. 'If you want to catch Mr de Winter he went straight across the lawn only two minutes ago, ' said Frith. "Thank you, Frith, ' I said. I went out on the terrace. I could see the trees taking shape beyond the lawns. The fog was lifting, it was rising in little clouds to the sky above. It whirled above my head in wreaths of smoke. I looked up at the windows above my head. They were tightly closed, and the shutters were fastened. They looked as though they would never open, never be thrown wide.
It was by the large window in the centre that I had stood five minutes before. How high it seemed above my head, how lofty and remote. The stones were hard and solid under my feet. I looked down at my feet and then up again to the shuttered window, and as I did so I became aware suddenly that my head was swimming and I felt hot. A little trickle of perspiration ran down the back of my neck. Black dots jumped about in the air in front of me. I went into the hall again and sat down on a chair. My hands were quite wet. I sat very still, holding my knees. 'Frith, ' I called, 'Frith, are you in the dining-room?' 'Yes, Madam?' He came out at once, and crossed the hall towards me. 'Don't think me very odd, Frith, but I rather think I'd like a small glass of brandy. ' 'Certainly, Madam. ' I went on holding my knees and sitting very still. He came back with a liqueur glass on a silver salver. 'Do you feel a trifle unwell, Madam?' said Frith. 'Would you like me to call Clarice?' 'No, I'll be all right, Frith, ' I said. 'I felt a bit hot, that's all. ' 'It's a very warm morning, Madam. Very warm indeed. Oppressive, one might almost say. ' 'Yes, Frith. Very oppressive. ' I drank the brandy and put the glass back on the silver salver. 'Perhaps the sound of those rockets alarmed you, ' said Frith; 'they went off so very sudden. ' 'Yes, they did, ' I said. 'And what with the hot morning and standing about all last night, you are not perhaps feeling quite like yourself, Madam, ' said Frith. 'No, perhaps not, ' I said. 'Will you lie down for half an hour? It's quite cool in the library. ' 'No. No, I think I'll go out in a moment or two. Don't bother, Frith. ' 'No. Very good, Madam. ' He went away and left me alone in the hall. It was quiet sitting there, quiet and cool. All trace of the party had been cleared away. It might never have happened. The hall was as it had always been, grey and silent and austere, with the portraits and the weapons on the wall. I could scarcely believe that last night I had stood there in my blue dress at the bottom of the stairs, shaking hands with five hundred people. I could not believe that there had been music-stands in the minstrels' gallery, and a band playing there, a man with a fiddle, a man with a drum. I got up and went out on to the terrace again. The fog was rising, lifting to the tops of the trees. I could see the woods at the end of the lawns. Above my head a pale sun tried to penetrate the heavy sky.
It was hotter than ever. Oppressive, as Frith had said. A bee hummed by me in search of scent, bumbling, noisy, and then creeping inside a flower was suddenly silent. On the grass banks above the lawns the gardener started his mowing machine. A startled linnet fled from the whirring blades towards the rose-garden. The gardener bent to the handles of the machine and walked slowly along the bank scattering the short-tipped grass and the pin- point daisy-heads. The smell of the sweet warm grass came towards me on the air, and the sun shone down upon me full and strong from out of the white mist. I whistled for Jasper but he did not come. Perhaps he had followed Maxim when he went down to the beach. I glanced at my watch. It was after half past twelve, nearly twenty to one. This time yesterday Maxim and I were standing with Frank in the little garden in front of his house, waiting for his housekeeper to serve lunch. Twenty-four hours ago. They were teasing me, baiting me about my dress. 'You'll both get the surprise of your lives, ' I had said. I felt sick with shame at the memory of my words. And then I realized for the first time that Maxim had not gone away as I had feared. The voice I had heard on the terrace was calm and practical. The voice I knew. Not the voice of last night when I stood at the head of the stairs. Maxim had not gone away. He was down there in the cove somewhere. He was himself, normal and sane. He had just been for a walk, as Frank had said. He had been on the headland, he had seen the ship closing in towards the shore. All my fears were without foundation. Maxim was safe. Maxim was all right. I had just experienced something that was degrading and horrible and mad, something that I did not fully understand even now, that I had no wish to remember, that I wanted to bury for ever more deep in the shadows of my mind with old forgotten terrors of childhood; but even this did not matter as long as Maxim was all right. Then I, too, went down the steep twisting path through the dark woods to the beach below. The fog had almost gone, and when I came to the cove I could see the ship at once, lying about two miles offshore with her bows pointed towards the cliffs. I went along the breakwater and stood at the end of it, leaning against the rounded wall.
There was a crowd of people on the cliffs already who must have walked along the coastguard path from Kerrith. The cliffs and the headland were part of Manderley, but the public had always used the right-of-way along the cliffs. Some of them were scrambling down the cliff face to get a closer view of the stranded ship. She lay at an awkward angle, her stern tilted, and there were a number of rowing-boats already pulling round her. The lifeboat was standing off. I saw someone stand up in her and shout through a megaphone. I could not hear what he was saying. It was still misty out in the bay, and I could not see the horizon. Another motor boat chugged into the light with some men aboard. The motor boat was dark grey. I could see someone in uniform. That would be the harbour-master from Kerrith, and the Lloyd's agent with him. Another motor boat followed, a party of holiday-makers from Kerrith aboard. They circled round and round the stranded steamer chatting excitedly. I could hear their voices echoing across the still water. I left the breakwater and the cove and climbed up the path over the cliffs towards the rest of the people. I did not see Maxim anywhere. Frank was there, talking to one of the coastguards. I hung back when I saw him, momentarily embarrassed. Barely an hour ago I had been crying to him, down the telephone. I was not sure what I ought to do. He saw me at once and waved his hand. I went over to him and the coastguard. The coastguard knew me. 'Come to see the fun, Mrs de Winter?' he said smiling. 'I'm afraid it will be a hard job. The tugs may shift her, but I doubt it. She's hard and fast where she is on that ledge. ' 'What will they do?' I said. 'They'll send a diver down directly to see if she's broken her back, ' he replied. 'There's the fellow there in the red stocking cap. Like to see through these glasses?' I took his glasses and looked at the ship. I could see a group of men staring over her stern. One of them was pointing at something. The man in the lifeboat was still shouting through the megaphone. The harbour-master from Kerrith had joined the group of men in the stern of the stranded ship. The diver in his stocking cap was sitting in the grey motor boat belonging to the harbour-master. The pleasure boat was still circling round the ship. A woman was standing up taking a snapshot. A group of gulls had settled on the water and were crying foolishly, hoping for scraps.
I gave the glasses back to the coastguard. 'Nothing seems to be happening, ' I said. 'They'll send him down directly, ' said the coastguard. 'They'll argue a bit first, like all foreigners. Here come the tugs. ' 'They'll never do it, ' said Frank. 'Look at the angle she's lying at. It's much shallower there than I thought. ' "That reef runs out quite a way, ' said the coastguard; 'you don't notice it in the ordinary way, going over that piece of water in a small boat. But a ship with her depth would touch all right. ' 'I was down in the first cove by the valley when they fired the rockets, ' said Frank. 'I could scarcely see three yards in front of me where I was. And then the things went off out of the blue. ' I thought how alike people were in a moment of common interest. Frank was Frith all over again, giving his version of the story, as though it mattered, as though we cared. I knew that he had gone down to the beach to look for Maxim. I knew that he had been frightened, as I had been. And now all this was forgotten and put aside: our conversation down the telephone, our mutual anxiety, his insistence that he must see me. All because a ship had gone ashore in the fog. A small boy came running up to us. 'Will the sailors be drowned?' he asked. 'Not them. They're all right, sonny, ' said the coastguard. "The sea's as flat as the back of my hand. No one's going to be hurt this time. ' 'If it had happened last night we should never have heard them, ' said Frank. 'We must have let off more than fifty rockets at our show, beside all the smaller things. ' 'We'd have heard all right, ' said the coastguard. 'We'd have seen the flash and known the direction. There's the diver, Mrs de Winter. See him putting on his helmet?' 'I want to see the diver, ' said the small boy. 'There he is, ' said Frank, bending and pointing - 'that chap there putting on the helmet. They're going to lower him into the water. ' 'Won't he be drowned?' said the child. 'Divers don't drown, ' said the coastguard. "They have air pumped into them all the time. Watch him disappear. There he goes. ' The surface of the water was disturbed a minute and then was clear again. 'He's gone, ' said the small boy. 'Where's Maxim?' I said. 'He's taken one of the crew into Kerrith, ' said Frank; 'the fellow lost his head and jumped for it apparently when the ship struck.
We found him clinging on to one of the rocks here under the cliff. He was soaked to the skin of course and shaking like a jelly. Couldn't speak a word of English, of course. Maxim went down to him, and found him bleeding like a pig from a scratch on the rocks. He spoke to him in German. Then he hailed one of the motor boats from Kerrith that was hanging around like a hungry shark, and he's gone off with him to get him bandaged by a doctor. If he's lucky he'll just catch old Phillips sitting down to lunch. ' 'When did he go?' I said. 'He went just before you turned up, ' said Frank, 'about five minutes ago. I wonder you didn't see the boat. He was sitting in the stern with this German fellow. ' 'He must have gone while I was climbing up the cliff, ' I said. 'Maxim is splendid at anything like this, ' said Frank. 'He always gives a hand if he can. You'll find he will invite the whole crew back to Manderley, and feed them, and give them beds into the bargain. ' "That's right, ' said the coastguard. 'He'd give the coat off his back for any of his own people, I know that. I wish there was more like him in the county. ' 'Yes, we could do with them, ' said Frank. We went on staring at the ship. The tugs were standing off still, but the lifeboat had turned and gone back towards Kerrith. 'It's not their turn today, ' said the coastguard. 'No, ' said Frank, 'and I don't think it's a job for the tugs either. It's the ship-breaker who's going to make money this time. ' The gulls wheeled overhead, mewing like hungry cats; some of them settled on the ledges of the cliff, while others, bolder, rode the surface of the water beside the ship. The coastguard took off his cap and mopped his forehead. 'Seems kind of airless, doesn't it?' he said. 'Yes, ' I said. The pleasure boat with the camera people went chugging off towards Kerrith. "They've got fed up, ' said the coastguard. 'I don't blame them, ' said Frank. 'I don't suppose anything will happen for hours. The diver will have to make his report before they try to shift her. ' 'That's right, ' said the coastguard. 'I don't think there's much sense in hanging about here, ' said Frank; 'we can't do anything. I want my lunch. ' I did not say anything. He hesitated. I felt his eyes upon me. 'What are you going to do?' he said. 'I think I shall stay here a bit, ' I said. 'I can have lunch any time. It's cold. It doesn't matter. I want to see what the diver's going to do. '
Somehow I could not face Frank just at the moment. I wanted to be alone, or with someone I did not know, like the coastguard. 'You won't see anything, ' said Frank; 'there won't be anything to see. Why not come back and have some lunch with me?' 'No, ' I said. 'No, really ... " 'Oh, well, ' said Frank, 'you know where to find me if you do want me. I shall be at the office all the afternoon. ' 'All right, ' I said. He nodded to the coastguard and went off down the cliff towards the cove. I wondered if I had offended him. I could not help it. All these things would be settled some day, one day. So much seemed to have happened since I spoke to him on the telephone, and I did not want to think about anything any more. I just wanted to sit there on the cliff and stare at the ship. 'He's a good sort, Mr Crawley, ' said the coastguard. 'Yes, ' I said. 'He'd give his right hand for Mr de Winter too, ' he said. 'Yes, I think he would, ' I said. The small boy was still hopping around on the grass in front of us. 'When's the diver coming up again?' he said. 'Not yet, sonny, ' said the coastguard. A woman in a pink striped frock and a hairnet came across the grass towards us. 'Charlie? Charlie? Where are you?' she called. 'Here's your mother coming to give you what-for, ' said the coastguard. 'I've seen the diver, Mum, ' shouted the boy. The woman nodded to us and smiled. She did not know me. She was a holiday-maker from Kerrith. 'The excitement all seems to be over doesn't it?' she said; 'they are saying down on the cliff there the ship will be there for days. ' 'They're waiting for the diver's report, ' said the coastguard. 'I don't know how they get them to go down under the water like that, ' said the woman; 'they ought to pay them well. ' 'They do that, ' said the coastguard. 'I want to be a diver, Mum, ' said the small boy. 'You must ask your Daddy, dear, ' said the woman, laughing at us. 'It's a lovely spot up here, isn't it?' she said to me. 'We brought a picnic lunch, never thinking it would turn foggy and we'd have a wreck into the bargain. We were just thinking of going back to Kerrith when the rockets went off under our noses, it seemed. I nearly jumped out of my skin. "Why, whatever's that?" I said to my husband. "That's a distress signal, " he said; "let's stop and see the fun. " There's no dragging him away; he's as bad as my little boy. I don't see anything in it myself. ' 'No, there's not much to see now, ' said the coastguard.
"Those are nice-looking woods over there; I suppose they're private, ' said the woman. The coastguard coughed awkwardly, and glanced at me. I began eating a piece of grass and looked away. 'Yes, that's all private in there, ' he said. 'My husband says all these big estates will be chopped up in time and bungalows built, ' said the woman. 'I wouldn't mind a nice little bungalow up here facing the sea. I don't know that I'd care for this part of the world in the winter though. ' 'No, it's very quiet here winter times, ' said the coastguard. I went on chewing my piece of grass. The little boy kept running round in circles. The coastguard looked at his watch. 'Well, I must be getting on, ' he said; 'good afternoon!' He saluted me, and turned back along the path towards Kerrith. 'Come on, Charlie, come and find Daddy, ' said the woman. She nodded to me in friendly fashion, and sauntered off to the edge of the cliff, the little boy running at her heels. A thin man in khaki shorts and a striped blazer waved to her. They sat down by a clump of gorse bushes and the woman began to undo paper packages. I wished I could lose my own identity and join them. Eat hard-boiled eggs and potted meat sandwiches, laugh rather loudly, enter their conversation, and then wander back with them during the afternoon to Kerrith and paddle on the beach, run races across the stretch of sand, and so to their lodgings and have shrimps for tea. Instead of which I must go back alone through the woods to Manderley and wait for Maxim. And I did not know what we should say to one another, how he would look at me, what would be his voice. I went on sitting there on the cliff. I was not hungry. I did not think about lunch. More people came and wandered over the cliffs to look at the ship. It made an excitement for the afternoon. There was nobody I knew. They were all holiday-makers from Kerrith. The sea was glassy calm. The gulls no longer wheeled overhead, they had settled on the water a little distance from the ship. More pleasure boats appeared during the afternoon. It must be a field day for Kerrith boatmen. The diver came up and then went down again. One of the tugs steamed away while the other still stood by. The harbour-master went back in his grey motor boat, taking some men with him, and the diver who had come to the surface for the second time.
The crew of the ship leant against the side throwing scraps to the gulls, while visitors in pleasure boats rowed slowly round the ship. Nothing happened at all. It was dead low water now, and the ship was heeled at an angle, the propeller showing clean. Little ridges of white cloud formed in the western sky and the sun became pallid. It was still very hot. The woman in the pink striped frock with the little boy got up and wandered off along the path towards Kerrith, the man in the shorts following with the picnic basket. I glanced at my watch. It was after three o' clock. I got up and went down the hill to the cove. It was quiet and deserted as always. The shingle was dark and grey. The water in the little harbour was glassy like a mirror. My feet made a queer crunching noise as I crossed the shingle. The ridges of white cloud now covered all the sky above my head, and the sun was hidden. When I came to the further side of the cove I saw Ben crouching by a little pool between two rocks scraping winkles into his hand. My shadow fell upon the water as I passed, and he looked up and saw me. 'G' day, ' he said, his mouth opening in a grin. 'Good afternoon, ' I said. He scrambled to his feet and opened a dirty handkerchief he had filled with winkles. 'You eat winkles?' he said. I did not want to hurt his feelings. 'Thank you, ' I said. He emptied about a dozen winkles into my hand, and I put them in die two pockets of my skirt. 'They'm all right with bread-an'-butter, ' he said, 'you must boil 'em first. ' 'Yes, all right, ' I said. He stood there grinning at me. 'Seen the steamer?' he said. 'Yes, ' I said, 'she's gone ashore, hasn't she?' 'Eh?' he said. 'She's run aground, ' I repeated. 'I expect she's got a hole in her bottom. ' His face went blank and foolish. 'Aye, ' he said, 'she's down there all right. She'll not come back again. ' 'Perhaps the tugs will get her off when the tide makes, ' I said. He did not answer. He was staring out towards the stranded ship. I could see her broadside on from here, the red underwater section showing against the black of the top-sides, and the single funnel leaning rakishly towards the cliffs beyond. The crew were still leaning over her side feeding the gulls and staring into the water. The rowing-boats were pulling back to Kerrith. 'She's a Dutchman, ain't she?' said Ben. 'I don't know, ' I said. 'German or Dutch. ' 'She'll break up there where she's to, ' he said. 'I'm afraid so, ' I said.
He grinned again, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. 'She'll break up bit by bit, ' he said, 'she'll not sink like a stone like the little 'un. ' He chuckled to himself, picking his nose. I did not say anything. 'The fishes have eaten her up by now, haven't they?' he said. 'Who?' I said. He jerked his thumb towards the sea. 'Her, ' he said, 'the other one. ' 'Fishes don't eat steamers, Ben, ' I said. 'Eh?' he said. He stared at me, foolish and blank once more. 'I must go home now, ' I said; 'good afternoon. ' I left him and walked towards the path through the woods. I did not look at the cottage. I was aware of it on my right hand; grey and quiet. I went straight to the path and up through the trees. I paused to rest half-way and looking through the trees I could still see the stranded ship leaning towards the shore. The pleasure boats had all gone. Even the crew had disappeared below. The ridges of cloud covered the whole sky. A little wind sprang from nowhere and blew into my face. A leaf fell onto my hand from the tree above. I shivered for no reason. Then the wind went again, it was hot and sultry as before. The ship looked desolate there upon her side, with no one on her decks, and her thin black funnel pointing to the shore. The sea was so calm that when it broke upon the shingle in the cove it was like a whisper, hushed and still. I turned once more to the steep path through the woods, my legs reluctant, my head heavy, a strange sense of foreboding in my heart. The house looked very peaceful as I came upon it from the woods and crossed the lawns. It seemed sheltered and protected, more beautiful than I had ever seen it. Standing there, looking down upon it from the banks, I realized, perhaps for the first time, with a funny feeling of bewilderment and pride that it was my home, I belonged there, and Manderley belonged to me. The trees and the grass and the flower tubs on the terrace were reflected in the mullioned windows. A thin column of smoke rose in the air from one of the chimneys. The new-cut grass on the lawn smelt sweet as hay. A blackbird was singing on the chestnut tree. A yellow butterfly winged his foolish way before me to the terrace. I went into the hall and through to the dining-room. My place was still laid, but Maxim's had been cleared away. The cold meat and salad awaited me on the sideboard.
I hesitated, and then rang the dining-room bell. Robert came in from behind the screen. 'Has Mr de Winter been in?' I said. 'Yes, Madam, ' said Robert; 'he came in just after two, and had a quick lunch, and then went out again. He asked for you and Frith said he thought you must have gone down to see the ship. ' 'Did he say when he would be back again?' I asked. 'No, Madam. ' 'Perhaps he went to the beach another way, ' I said; 'I may have missed him. ' 'Yes, Madam, ' said Robert. I looked at the cold meat and the salad. I felt empty but not hungry. I did not want cold meat now. 'Will you be taking lunch?' said Robert. 'No, ' I said. 'No, you might bring me some tea, Robert, in the library. Nothing like cakes or scones. Just tea and bread-and-butter. ' 'Yes, Madam. ' I went and sat on the window-seat in the library. It seemed funny without Jasper. He must have gone with Maxim. The old dog lay asleep in her basket. I picked up The Times and turned the pages without reading it. It was queer this feeling of marking time, like sitting in a waiting-room at a dentist's. I knew I should never settle to my knitting or to a book. I was waiting for something to happen, something unforeseen. The horror of my morning and the stranded ship and not having any lunch had all combined to give birth to a latent sense of excitement at the back of my mind that I did not understand. It was as though I had entered into a new phase of my life and nothing would be quite the same again. The girl who had dressed for the fancy dress ball the night before had been left behind. It had all happened a very long time ago. This self who sat on the window-seat was new, was different ... Robert brought in my tea, and I ate my bread-and-butter hungrily. He had brought scones as well, and some sandwiches, and an angel cake. He must have thought it derogatory to bring bread-and-butter alone, nor was it Manderley routine. I was glad of the scones and the angel cake. I remembered I had only had cold tea at half past eleven, and no breakfast. Just after I had drunk my third cup Robert came in again. 'Mr de Winter is not back yet is he, Madam?' he said. 'No, ' I said. 'Why? Does someone want him?' 'Yes, Madam, ' said Robert, 'it's Captain Searle, the harbour-master of Kerrith, on the telephone. He wants to know if he can come up and see Mr de Winter personally. ' 'I don't know what to say, ' I said. 'He may not be back for ages. ' 'No, Madam. ' 'You'd better tell him to ring again at five o'clock, ' I said.
Robert went out of the room and came back again in a few minutes. 'Captain Searle would like to see you, if it would be convenient, Madam, ' said Robert. 'He says the matter is rather urgent. He tried to get Mr Crawley, but there was no reply. ' 'Yes, of course I must see him if it's urgent, ' I said. 'Tell him to come along at once if he likes. Has he got a car?' 'Yes, I believe so, Madam. ' Robert went out of the room. I wondered what I should say to Captain Searle. His business must be something to do with the stranded ship. I could not understand what concern it was of Maxim's. It would have been different if the ship had gone ashore in the cove. That was Manderley property. They might have to ask Maxim's permission to blast away rocks or whatever it was that was done to move a ship. But the open bay and the ledge of rock under the water did not belong to Maxim. Captain Searle would waste his time talking to me about it all. He must have got into his car right away after talking to Robert because in less than quarter of an hour he was shown into the room. He was still in his uniform as I had seen him through the glasses in the early afternoon. I got up from the window-seat and shook hands with him. 'I'm sorry my husband isn't back yet, Captain Searle, ' I said; 'he must have gone down to the cliffs again, and he went into Kerrith before that. I haven't seen him all day. ' 'Yes, I heard he'd been to Kerrith but I missed him there, ' said the harbour-master. 'He must have walked back across the cliffs when I was in my boat. And I can't get hold of Mr Crawley either. ' 'I'm afraid the ship has disorganized everybody, ' I said. 'I was out on the cliffs and went without my lunch, and I know Mr Crawley was there earlier on. What will happen to her? Will tugs get her off, do you think?' Captain Searle made a great circle with his hands. "There's a hole that deep in her bottom, ' he said, 'she'll not see Hamburg again. Never mind the ship. Her owner and Lloyd's agent will settle that between them. No, Mrs de Winter, it's not the ship that's brought me here. Indirectly of course she's the cause of my coming. The fact is, I've got some news for Mr de Winter, and I hardly know how to break it to him. ' He looked at me very straight with his bright blue eyes.
'What sort of news, Captain Searle?' He brought a large white handkerchief out of his pocket and blew his nose. 'Well, Mrs de Winter, it's not very pleasant for me to tell you either. The last thing I want to do is to cause distress or pain to you and your husband. We' re all very fond of Mr de Winter in Kerrith, you know, and the family has always done a lot of good. It's hard on him and hard on you that we can't let the past lie quiet. But I don't see how we can under the circumstances. ' He paused, and put his handkerchief back in his pocket. He lowered his voice, although we were alone in the room. 'We sent the diver down to inspect the ship's bottom, ' he said, 'and while he was down there he made a discovery. It appears he found the hole in the ship's bottom and was working round to the other side to see what further damage there was when he came across the hull of a little sailing boat, lying on her side, quite intact and not broken up at all. He's a local man, of course, and he recognized the boat at once. It was the little boat belonging to the late Mrs de Winter. ' My first feeling was one of thankfulness that Maxim was not there to hear. This fresh blow coming swiftly upon my masquerade of the night before was ironic, and rather horrible. 'I'm so sorry, ' I said slowly, 'it's not the sort of thing one expected would happen. Is it necessary to tell Mr de Winter? Couldn't the boat be left there, as it is? It's not doing any harm, is it?' 'It would be left, Mrs de Winter, in the ordinary way. I'm the last man in the world to want to disturb it. And I'd give anything, as I said before, to spare Mr de Winter's feelings. But that wasn't all, Mrs de Winter. My man poked round the little boat and he made another, more important discovery. The cabin door was tightly closed, it was not stove in, and the portlights were closed too. He broke one of the ports with a stone from the sea bed, and looked into the cabin. It was full of water, the sea must have come through some hole in the bottom, there seemed no damage elsewhere. And then he got the fright of his life, Mrs de Winter. ' Captain Searle paused, he looked over his shoulder as though one of the servants might hear him. 'There was a body in there, lying on the cabin floor, ' he said quietly. 'It was dissolved of course, there was no flesh on it. But it was a body all right. He saw the head and the limbs.
He came up to the surface then and reported it direct to me. And now you understand, Mrs de Winter, why I've got to see your husband. ' I stared at him, bewildered at first, then shocked, then rather sick. 'She was supposed to be sailing alone?' I whispered, 'there must have been someone with her then, all the time, and no one ever knew?' 'It looks like it, ' said the harbour-master. 'Who could it have been?' I said. 'Surely relatives would know if anyone had been missing? There was so much about it at the time, it was all in the papers. Why should one of them be in the cabin and Mrs de Winter herself be picked up many miles away, months afterwards?' Captain Searle shook his head. 'I can't tell any more than you, ' he said. 'All we know is that the body is there, and it has got to be reported. There'll be publicity, I'm afraid, Mrs de Winter. I don't know how we're going to avoid it. It's very hard on you and Mr de Winter. Here you are, settled down quietly, wanting to be happy, and this has to happen. ' I knew now the reason for my sense of foreboding. It was not the stranded ship that was sinister, nor the crying gulls, nor the thin black funnel pointing to the shore. It was the stillness of the black water, and the unknown things that lay beneath. It was the diver going down into those cool quiet depths and stumbling upon Rebecca's boat, and Rebecca's dead companion. He had touched the boat, had looked into the cabin, and all the while I sat on the cliffs and had not known. 'If only we did not have to tell him, ' I said. 'If only we could keep the whole thing from him. ' 'You know I would if it were possible, Mrs de Winter, ' said the harbour-master, 'but my personal feelings have to go, in a matter like this. I've got to do my duty. I've got to report that body. ' He broke off short as the door opened, and Maxim came into the room. 'Hullo, ' he said, 'what's happening? I didn't know you were here, Captain Searle? Is anything the matter?' I could not stand it any longer. I went out of the room like the coward I was and shut the door behind me. I had not even glanced at Maxim's face. I had the vague impression that he looked tired, untidy, hatless. I went and stood in the hall by the front door. Jasper was drinking noisily from his bowl. He wagged his tail when he saw me and went on drinking. Then he loped towards me, and stood up, pawing at my dress.
I kissed the top of his head and went and sat on the terrace. The moment of crisis had come, and I must face it. My old fears, my diffidence, my shyness, my hopeless sense of inferiority, must be conquered now and thrust aside. If I failed now I should fail for ever. There would never be another chance. I prayed for courage in a blind despairing way, and dug my nails into my hands. I sat there for five minutes staring at the green lawns and the flower tubs on the terrace. I heard the sound of a car starting up in the drive. It must be Captain Searle. He had broken his news to Maxim and had gone. I got up from the terrace and went slowly through the hall to the library. I kept turning over in my pockets the winkles that Ben had given me. I clutched them tight in my hands. Maxim was standing by the window. His back was turned to me. I waited by the door. Still he did not turn round. I took my hands out of my pockets and went and stood beside him. I reached out for his hand and laid it against my cheek. He did not say anything. He went on standing there. 'I'm so sorry, ' I whispered, 'so terribly, terribly sorry. ' He did not answer. His hand was icy cold. I kissed the back of it, and then the fingers, one by one. 'I don't want you to bear this alone, ' I said. 'I want to share it with you. I've grown up, Maxim, in twenty-four hours. I'll never be a child again. ' He put his arm round me and pulled me to him very close. My reserve was broken, and my shyness too. I stood there with my face against his shoulder. 'You've forgiven me, haven't you?' I said. He spoke to me at last. 'Forgiven you?' he said. 'What have I got to forgive you for?' 'Last night, ' I said; 'you thought I did it on purpose. ' 'Ah, that, ' he said. 'I'd forgotten. I was angry with you, wasn't I?' 'Yes, ' I said. He did not say any more. He went on holding me close to his shoulder. 'Maxim, ' I said, 'can't we start all over again? Can't we begin from today, and face things together? I don't want you to love me, I won't ask impossible things. I'll be your friend and your companion, a sort of boy. I don't ever want more than that. ' He took my face between his hands and looked at me. For the first time I saw how thin his face was, how lined and drawn. And there were great shadows beneath his eyes. 'How much do you love me?' he said.
I could not answer. I could only stare back at him, at his dark tortured eyes, and his pale drawn face. 'It's too late, my darling, too late, ' he said. 'We've lost our little chance of happiness. ' 'No, Maxim. No, ' I said. 'Yes, ' he said. 'It's all over now. The thing has happened. ' 'What thing?' I said. 'The thing I've always foreseen. The thing I've dreamt about, day after day, night after night. We're not meant for happiness, you and I. ' He sat down on the window-seat, and I knelt in front of him, my hands on his shoulders. 'What are you trying to tell me?' I said. He put his hands over mine and looked into my face. 'Rebecca has won, ' he said. I stared at him, my heart beating strangely, my hands suddenly cold beneath his hands. 'Her shadow between us all the time, ' he said. 'Her damned shadow keeping us from one another. How could I hold you like this, my darling, my little love, with the fear always in my heart that this would happen? I remembered her eyes as she looked at me before she died. I remembered that slow treacherous smile. She knew this would happen even then. She knew she would win in the end. ' 'Maxim, ' I whispered, 'what are you saying, what are you trying to tell me?' 'Her boat, ' he said, 'they've found it. The diver found it this afternoon. ' 'Yes, ' I said. 'I know. Captain Searle came to tell me. You are thinking about the body, aren't you, the body the diver found in the cabin?' 'Yes, ' he said. 'It means she was not alone, ' I said. 'It means there was somebody sailing with Rebecca at the time. And you have to find out who it was. That's it, isn't it, Maxim?' 'No, ' he said. 'No, you don't understand. ' 'I want to share this with you, darling, ' I said. 'I want to help you. ' "There was no one with Rebecca, she was alone, ' he said. I knelt there watching his face, watching his eyes. 'It's Rebecca's body lying there on the cabin floor, ' he said. 'No, ' I said. 'No. ' "The woman buried in the crypt is not Rebecca, ' he said. 'It's the body of some unknown woman, unclaimed, belonging nowhere. There never was an accident. Rebecca was not drowned at all. I killed her. I shot Rebecca in the cottage in the cove. I carried her body to the cabin, and took the boat out that night and sunk it there, where they found it today. It's Rebecca who's lying dead there on the cabin floor. Will you look into my eyes and tell me that you love me now?'
