Desperate Housewives - Episode 01.01 - Pilot
This was typed by me, a human, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)
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Guest stars
"Mrs. Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Wendy" - Sherica Durdley
"Natalie Klein" - Nike Doukas
"Waiter" - Heath McCall
"Elderly Lady" - Kay Wade
"Tanaka Party Waiter" - Edward Zoellner
Written by: Marc Cherry & Charles Pratt, Jr.
Directed by: Charles McDougall
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Overview of a nice, upscale neighborhood. Cars are driving by, people are taking walks and pushing baby carriages while saying hello to each other.
Focus on house where a woman steps outside, carrying a basket of flowers. Her voice is the one in the voiceover.
"My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there is never anything newsworthy about my life. But that all changed last Thursday."
As she talks, we see snippets of what she's describing.
"Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family. I performed my chores. I completed my projects. I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life. Until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used."
Mary Alice holds the gun to her head and pulls the trigger. The gun goes off and in the reflection of a mirror, Mary Alice falls to the floor.
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A woman reaches down into a pile of red, blood-like liquid, dips her finger into it, and raises it to her lips to taste it, then turns to look out her window when she hears the shot. The voiceover continues.
"My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced."
Mrs. Huber goes to her hallway closet and removes a blender that has a label on it reading "Property of Mary Alice Young"
She leaves her house and hurries over next door.
"After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she borrowed six months before."
Mrs. Huber goes to the front door and rings the bell, waits, then rings it again. She then goes around the house and peeks through a window. Seeing the body on the floor, she screams and rushes back to her house to call 911.
"It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot. There's blood everywhere! Yes, you've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now!"
She hangs up.
"And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment."
Mrs. Huber turns to look at the blender with its label firmly attached.
"And if there's one thing Mrs. Huber was known for..."
Mrs. Huber tears off the label on the blender.
"...it was her ability to look on the bright side."
She puts the blender back in the closet.
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Many people go to Mary Alice Young's house, dressed solemnly.
"I was laid to rest on Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as people do in these situations, they brought food. Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken."
Lynette, caring a large platter of chicken, looks drawn and tired.
"Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. Of course, she didn't cook much while she was climbing up the corporate ladder."
Flashback to Lynette in a boardroom, giving a presentation to a group of people.
"She didn't have the time. But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant..."
Flashback to Lynette in her doctor's office, getting the ultrasound. Lynette is grinning, obviously excited.
"...her husband, Tom, had an idea. 'Why not quit your job? Kids do better with stay at home moms. It would be so much less stressful.'"
Lynette hesitantly nods her agreement at him, her smile gone.
Present time, Lynette continues walking down the sidewalk, holding the chicken platter and pushing a stroller. As she walks, her other three children, all little boys, two of whom are twins, walk in front of the stroller, the twins pushing each other as they walk.
"But this was not the case. In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic, she was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony if she had stopped to think about it."
Lynette tries to break up her children's fight as it gets more physical. She kneels down in front of them, angry.
"Listen to me. You are going to behave today. I will not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am..." [she pulls a piece of paper out of her jacket].
One of her boys asks, "What's that?"
Lynette: "Santa's cell phone number."
Twin: "How'd you get that?"
Lynette: "I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. Are you willing to risk that?"
They shake their heads no.
She straights up. "All right, let's get this over with."
The camera pans to a Hispanic man in a suit, standing outside of a beautiful house. He turns to watch his gorgeous wife hurry down the steps to meet him.
"Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella."
Flashback to Gabrielle when she was younger, walking down the runway as a fashion model.
"Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men."
Flashback to a restaurant, where Gabrielle and the man are having dinner.
"Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. But she soon discovered that this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal."
Present time, where Gabrielle joins Carlos as he waits for her.
"Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler."
Carlos and Gabrielle walk down the street. Carlos tells Gabrielle that if she talks with Mason at the wake, she's to casually mention to him how much he paid for her necklace.
Gabrielle retorts "Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest?"
Carlos explains that Mason let him know how much he had paid for his wife's convertible. He tells her to just work it into the conversation. Gabrielle says she can't just work it in.
Carlos: "Why not? At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders."
Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation."
Carlos: "Hey! People are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely. Wouldn't want people to think we're not happy."
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The door to the Young's house opens to show a well-groomed woman standing outside with her husband, son, and daughter. She's holding two baskets full of baked goods.
"Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking, and for making her own clothes, and for doing her own gardening, and for re-upholstering her own furniture. Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family."
Bree walks in, with her husband and children following behind her.
She goes up to Paul and Zachary Young to offer her condolences. They tell her that she didn't need to go through so much trouble, and she says that it was no trouble at all.
She explains that one of the baskets is for the guests and the other is just for Paul and Zachary and those are "breakfast type things." As she talks, her family silently looks at each other. She hands Paul and Zachary the muffins and reminds them that she will need the baskets back. Behind her, her husband briefly closes his eyes.
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A woman leaves her house with her teenage daughter. She's carrying a casserole dish with aluminum foil covering it. The foil comes off the dish and the woman has to grab it before it flies away.
"Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Carl, always teased her, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their house. It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl's shirt. She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary."
Flashback to Carl leaving the house with suitcases as Susan and her daughter sit at the kitchen table, a macaroni and cheese dinner in front of them. Susan begins to cry. Her daughter leans over and pats her mother's arm.
In present time, Susan and her daughter leave their house and begin walking towards the Young's house.
"A year had passed since the divorce. Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking."
As they walk, Susan's daughter asks, "Mom, why would someone kill themselves?"
Susan: "Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems. "
Julie: "But Mrs. Young always seemed happy."
Susan: "Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside."
Julie: "Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch? "
Susan: "I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example."
They reach the house and go inside. Susan puts the macaroni and cheese on the table with the other food. She heads to the kitchen where the other three women are sitting. They say hello. Susan looks at Mary Alice's chair and then picks up the coffee to pour herself a cup.
Flashback to when all five of the women were drinking coffee together at that table when Susan's husband left her.
Mary Alice: "So what did Carl say when you confronted him?"
Susan: "You'll love this. He said, it doesn't mean anything. It was just sex."
The women all scoff. She continues. "And then he got this Zen look on his face and said, you know, Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation."
Lynette: "Please tell me you punched him."
Susan: "No, I said, really? And what do most women lead? Lives of noisy fulfillment?"
The women offer support.
Susan: "I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch."
Gabrielle: "It's like my grandmother always said. An erect penis doesn't have a conscious."
Lynette: "Even limp ones aren't all that ethical."
Bree joins in, saying that that's the reason she joined the NRA.
"When Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with a loaded Smith & Wesson."
They laugh.
Mary Alice asks Lynette if she's worried about her husband, since he's always away on business. Lynette says that he's gotten her pregnant three times in four years. "I wish he was having sex with someone else."
They ask Susan if he'll stop seeing the woman and she says she doesn't know.
Susan: "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this."
Mary Alice: "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are."
Susan puts her hand on Mary Alice's.
In present time, Bree interrupts Susan's memories, saying that Paul wants them to come over on Friday to go through Mary Alice's closet and pack up her things, as he can't face doing it himself. Susan agrees. Bree asks if she's okay. Susan tells her "I'm just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us. She should have let us help her."
Gabrielle asks what problems she could have had. "She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was - "
Lynette interrupts. "Our life." They're all quiet.
Gabrielle says that if Mary Alice had been having problems, they would have known, because she only lives 50 feet away. Susan tells her, "Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on."
Off to the side, unbeknownst to the women, Paul Young listens to their conversation, grim-faced. He takes a sip of his drink.
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Later, at the buffet, Susan comes up to a man putting some macaroni and cheese on his plate. She tells him not to eat it. He asks her why. She replies with "I made it, trust me." He starts to take a bite and she stops him. "Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?" He answers with "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese."
He puts some in his mouth and Susan looks apologetic as she holds up her hands as though to say that she warned him.
He starts to chew, then stops.
"Oh my god. How did you - it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked."
"Yeah, I get that a lot."
She takes a napkin and has him spit the food into it.
He thanks her, then introduces himself as Mike Delfino. He says that he's renting the Sims house. She introduces herself and he says that he heard about her from Mrs. Huber, and that he heard that she illustrates children's books.
"Yeah, I'm very big with the under five set."
She laughs at her own joke and he chuckles. She asks what he does and he tells her that he's a plumber. "So if you ever have a clog.. or something" They smile and she looks away. She looks at the mac and cheese. "Now that everybody's seen that I've brought something, I should probably just throw this out." She picks up the mac and cheese as he watches her.
Across the room, Julie looks on, interested.
She walks away and he watches her go. She turns around as she walks, and he smiles at her. She smiles back.
Mrs. Huber finds Lynette as she's breast feeding her infant. Lynette tells her child "Ease up, little vampire."
Mrs. Huber says that she's been looking for her. "Are you aware of what your sons are doing?"
Her boys are swimming in the Young's swimming pool. Lynette comes rushing down to the pool. Looking around at everybody, she then leans down. "What are you doing? We are at a wake!"
Her boys say that she told them they could go in the pool. She clarifies that she told them they could go by the pool. She asks if they have their swimsuits on. They say that they put them on before they left. Lynette's furious. "You three planned this?" She picks up their clothing and tells them to get out. They refuse. She tells them "I am your mother. You have to do as I say." They tell her that she can't stop them from swimming.
Lynette looks around and sees everybody watching her. She then looks at her boys, who have their arms crossed as they glare at her.
She makes a decision and hands her baby to the priest. She then wades into the pool, fully clothed. They start to swim away, but she grabs them anyway. Susan, watching from the side, looks embarrassed for her.
Lynette drags her children out, takes back her baby, and tells Paul that they have to leave. "Once again, I am so sorry for your loss."
She leaves with her children.
"Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband. He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface."
Paul looks down in the depths of the pool.
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"The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives."
Lynette's children are throwing cereal everywhere while she tries to calm them.
"While some did their cooking, and some did their cleaning..."
Bree cleans toilet, furiously.
"...and some did their yoga..."
Gabrielle quietly does yoga on her front porch.
"...others did their homework."
A soccer ball is kicked over Mike Delfino's house into his backyard.
The doorbell rings at Mike's house. Julie is shown to have rung it. Mike answers the door as his dog barks and Mike bends down to hold onto its collar.
"Hi. I'm Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard."
"Okay, well, let's go around and go get it."
He walks outside with her, telling his dog to stay.
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Later that day, Julie, tossing the soccer ball in her hands, talks to her mom.
"His wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in L.A., but there were too many memories. He's renting for tax purposes, but he hopes to buy a place real soon."
Susan tells her daughter that she can't believe she went over there. Julie replies that she saw them flirting at the wake.
"You're obviously into each other. Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out."
Susan says that she likes him, but she doesn't know if she's ready to start dating again. Julie says that she needs to get out there. She asks her mom, "how long has it been since you've had sex?"
Susan stops what she's doing and looks at her daughter.
"Are you mad that I asked you that?"
"No, I'm just trying to remember. I don't want to talk to you about my love life anymore. It weirds me out."
Julie says that she wouldn't have said anything, except that she heard her dad's girlfriend ask if Susan has dated anyone since the divorce and "dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed." Susan stares at her daughter, silent and shocked.
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Susan walks determinedly down the street to Mike's house. In her hands, she carries a small house plant. When she reaches his place, she rings the bell.
He opens the door.
"Hey, Susan."
"Hi, Mike. I brought you a house warming gift."
She says that she should have come by earlier. He says that she's the first in the neighborhood to stop by. She's happily surprised. "Really!"
"Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane and she was the first to find out. But she also know that good news... "
Edie Britt calls out, Hello there! as she comes up to join Susan and Mike on the porch.
"...travels quickly. Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5-block radius."
Scenes of Edie are shown as she seduces a plumber, then a tennis instructor, and then a priest.
"Her conquests were numerous. Varied. And legendary."
Edie has a covered dish in her hands as she bounds up the porch, says hi to Susan, and then introduces herself to Mike. Susan watches as they shake hands.
"Susan had met the enemy and she was a slut."
Mike takes the food and thanks her.
"What's this?"
"Sausage putinesca. Just something I threw together."
Susan gives her a knowing look. Mike thanks her.
"That's great. I'd invite you both in, but I was sort of in the middle of something."
They both protest that it's no problem, they had to go anyway.
"And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun."
The two woman walk away together, with Mike watching them while still holding the housewarming gifts.
"For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly."
Edie turns around to face Mike. "Oh, Mike! I heard you're a plumber?"
"But she was reminded that when it came to men..."
Edit continues. "Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?"
"...women don't fight fair."
Mike answers her. "Sure."
Susan sighs. She and Edie continue walking.
Edie: "Bye, Susan."
Susan: "Hmm."
They separate.
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At Gabrielle and Carlos's house, Gabrielle is shouting that Carlos can't order her around. She tells him that she's not going.
Carlos: "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives."
Gabrielle: "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass."
Carlos: "I made over $200,000 with him last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him."
He walks away from her, out of the house.
He sees the 16-year-old gardener, John, and calls his name. John is startled and cuts his finger. Carlos asks him why a bush is still there, since John was supposed to get rid of it last week. John says he didn't have time. Carlos says that he doesn't want to hear any more excuses. Just get rid of it.
Gabrielle comes out of the house and tells Carlos that she hates the way that he talks to her. He replies with "and I really hate that I spent $50,000 on a diamond necklace that you couldn't live without. But I've learned to deal with it. So, can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night?"
Before answering him, Gabrielle turns to John and tells him that they have bandages in the kitchen. He goes inside.
Gabrielle tells Carlos that she'll go, but "I'm keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time." Carlos backs away, smiling as he walks. "See? Now this is what a marriage is all about. Compromise."
In the kitchen, John puts on a band-aid. Gabrielle asks him if his finger is okay. He says yes, it was just a small cut. She asks to look at it. She holds his finger up to her eye level and then kisses the band-aid that's wrapped around it. Then she starts licking his finger, and before long, they start kissing each other.
John backs away after a couple of seconds, telling her "I really like it when we hook up, but I just gotta get my work done. I can't afford to lose this...job, and..."
He watches as she takes off her shirt and leans back seductively on a table in the kitchen.
She tells him that the table she's sitting on is hand carved and it's imported from Italy.
Gabrielle: "It cost him $23,000."
John [chuckles] "So you wanna do it on the table this time?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely."
She pulls off his shirt and they lean back together onto the table, kissing.
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Dinner time at Bree's house.
Aside from some soft classical music in the background, the only sound is the clinking of silverware on the plates. Danielle and Andrew are picking at the food. Danielle asks her why they can't ever have normal soup. Bree smiles and responds "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree." Danielle asks if they can't, just once, have a soup that somebody's heard of, like french onion, or navy bean.
Bree: "First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic."
She looks at her husband, who's slowly eating, his eyes averted.
Bree: "And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion." [She turns to Andrew] "So, how's the osso buco?"
Andrew: "It's okay."
Bree: "It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it's okay in that sullen tone?"
Andrew: "Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?"
Bree [shocked]: "Excuse me?"
Her husband looks down at his plate.
Andrew: "Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy."
Bree: "You'd rather I serve pork and beans?"
Danielle turns to her brother. "Apologize now, I am begging you."
Andrew: "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we just have food?
Bree: "Are you doing drugs?"
Andrew: "What?"
Bree: "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been fresh as paint over the last six months. That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom."
Danielle: "Trust me, that is not what he is doing."
Andrew: "Shut up."
He tells his mom that he doesn't have a problem and that she acts like she's running for mayor of Stepford. Bree looks to Rex for support.
"Rex. Seeing that you're the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something."
"Pass the salt."
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At a grocery store.
"Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion. Indignation."
Lynette is on the phone to Tom's voice mail while shopping. She says in her message that it's the fifth time she's left a message and he still hasn't called her back.
"Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I want to have some fun, too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you."
As she's talking, the twins grab a cart and race off. Her third boy watches them go and tries to get Lynette's attention. Lynette tells him "Not now, Mommy's threatening Daddy." Suddenly, she notices that the twins are gone.
They're walking down an aisle, throwing tons of food into the cart.
Lynette goes off searching for them and runs into Natalie Kline, a well-dressed woman. Lynette mutters "crap" when Natalie recognizes her, but then smiles at her. They make small talk. Lynette asks how the firm is doing, and Natalie tells her that everyone misses her. "We all say that if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now. So. How's domestic life? Don't you just love being a mom?"
"And there it was. The question that Lynette always dreaded."
Lynette: "Well, to be honest..."
"For those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So Lynette responded as she always did. She lied."
Lynette: "It's the best job I've ever had."
Behind her, near the check out lanes, her boys run the cart into an older woman, who trips and falls down. Lynette closes her eyes.
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Outside of Gabrielle and Carlos's bedroom, a school bus goes by. John and Gabrielle are in bed, with Gabrielle smoking. John asks her why she married Carlos.
Gabrielle: "Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted."
John: "And did he?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
John: "So why aren't you happy?"
Gabrielle: "I wanted all the wrong things."
John: "So do you love him?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
John: "Then why are we here? Why are we doing this?"
Gabrielle: "Because I don't want to wake up one morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out."
John: "Hmm. Hey, can I have a drag?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke."
They kiss.
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That night, Susan fluffs her hair and checks her outfit while looking in a mirror. She asks Julie "How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?"
Julie, working at the dinner table on a school project with popsicle sticks, tells her mom that she looks fine. Susan tells her "If you would cut back to two meals per day, I could get the chemical peel."
Julie tells her not to be nervous, she's just asking him out to dinner.
Susan stops primping and goes over to where her daughter's working.
Susan: "So, is that your project for school? You know, when I was in fifth grade, I made the White House out of sugar cubes."
Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better."
Susan: "Tell me again why I fought for custody for you."
Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad."
Susan: "Oh, that's right."
She kisses the top of Julie's head and walks out, groaning.
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At Mike's house, she knocks on his door. He answers, wearing jeans and a tight T-shirt, holding a beer.
Susan: "Are you busy?"
Mike: "No, not at all. What's up?"
Susan: "Well, I just, uh, was wondering, if there was any chance that you, uh, I was just wanting to ask if -"
Suddenly, Edie comes to the door.
Susan: "Edie!"
Edie: "Hey, there, Susan."
Susan: "What are you -"
Edie: "I was making ambrosia. And I made too much, so I thought I'd bring some over to Mike. What's going on?"
Mike: "Susan was just going to ask me something."
He raises his eyebrows at her.
Susan: "I have a clog."
Mike: "Excuse me?"
Susan: "And you're a plumber, right?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "The clog's in the pipe."
Mike: "Yeah, That's usually where they are."
Susan: "Well, I've got one."
Mike: "Well, let me go get my tools."
Susan: "Now? You want to come over now? You have company."
Edie: "I don't mind."
She smirks at Susan.
Mike tells Susan "Just give me two minutes. I'll be right over." He walks back into the house and Edie closes the door in Susan's face. Susan turns and runs back to her house.
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Susan and Julie frantically stuff hair into the drain. Julie says it's not enough to clog the drain. Susan grabs some peanut butter and cooking oil to pour down the drain. "And these olives." Julie says that it's not working.
The doorbell rings, and through the kitchen window, Susan can see Mike, who smiles at her.
Susan asks "How am I going to stop up this sink?" She turns to Julie, who turns to face her, and together they turn to look at Julie's popsicle project sitting on the kitchen table.
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Later, Mike is on his back in the kitchen, fixing the pipe, with Susan watching him.
Mike: "Well, here's your problem. Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down here."
Susan: "I've told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. Kids, you know?"She catches sight of her daughter on the stairs, who glares at her. When Mike turns his attention back to the pipes, she shrugs her shoulders and looks apologetically at Julie.
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At a family restaurant, Bree and her family get their order taken. Andrew says that the restaurant has video games. He asks if they can play until their food gets there. Bree tells him that it's family time. Rex interrupts her and tells them that they can play. The kids leave.
Bree: "I know you think that I'm angry about coming here, but I'm not. You and the kids wanted a change of pace and some fun. I get it."
Rex: "I want a divorce. I just can't live in this, this detergent commercial anymore."
She stares at him, shocked.
The waiter comes over and tells them that the salad bar is over there and they can help themselves. Bree composes herself and takes Rex's salad plate. She tells him that she'll get his salad. As she gets up, he asks her, "Bree, did you hear me?" She goes to the salad bar, and begins putting salad and toppings on the plate automatically.
Mrs. Huber comes up to her. "Bree Van De Kamp!" Bree turns to face her. "Oh! Hello, Mrs. Huber." Mrs. Huber says that they didn't get a chance to talk at the wake. How is Bree doing?
Bree stares blankly into the salad bar as she adds more toppings.
"Bree longed to share the truth of her husband's painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option."
Bree turns back to Mrs. Huber. "Everything is great. Just great."
She arrives back at the table. "I got you the honey mustard dressing. The ranch looked just a little bit suspect." Resigned, he begins eating. She watches him as he chews.
Rex: "Bree, are we gonna talk about what I said?"
Bree: "If you think that I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you're out of your mind."
Suddenly, Rex clutches at his throat. "What's in this?" She tells him that it's salad. He asks her "With onions?" For a minute, she doesn't say anything, but just stares at him. He starts to get up from the booth.
Rex: "You put onions in my salad!"
Bree: "No, I didn't!"
He falls to the ground, knocking the table cloth with the plates on it over. Bree suddenly remembers. "Oh, wait!"
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Late at night, at the Young house
Zachary Young, who was sleeping in his bed, suddenly sits up straight. He can hear a noise and he gets out of bed to look out his window. He goes outside and walks towards the sound.
"The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before, many years ago, when he was quite young. But he recognized it instantly."
He reaches the pool, where the water had been drained out of it. Paul Young is using a rock pick to cut through the dirt and rock at the bottom.
"It was the sound of a family secret."
Paul looks up and sees Zachary, then goes back to work.
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"Seven days after my funeral, life at Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate."
Lynette is feeding her baby, who flings food at her.
A twin runs in, shouting that their dad is home. They climb all over him as he walks in. Lynette gets up, happy to see him. She says that she wasn't expecting to see him. He says that he has to go back in the morning, but that she sounded "a little frazzled" so he came home.
The kids ask him for presents, and he gives them a football. He makes them promise that they will go outside and practice throwing for 20 minutes. They promise and then run out. He throws the football to them.
As they play, Tom and Lynette go into the bedroom, kissing. Lynette protests, saying that she's exhausted, looks terrible, and she's covered in peaches. He tells her that he's gotta have her. He starts fumbling with his pants.
She lies back on the pillows, tired.
Lynette: "Well, is it okay if I just lie here?"
Tom: "Absolutely."
He takes off his jacket. They kiss.
She tells him that she was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took her off of the pill, and he needs to use a condom.
Tom: "Condom? What's the big deal? Let's risk it."
Lynette: "Let's risk it?"
Tom: "Yeah."
She punches him, and he falls off of her to the side.
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In the hospital, Rex is in a hospital bed with Bree sitting by his bedside.
Rex: "I can't believe you tried to kill me."
Bree: "Yes, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over, and I got distracted. It was a mistake."
Rex: "Since when do you make mistakes?"
Bree: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Rex: "It means that I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. You're this plastic suburban housewife..."
Bree looks stunned as he talks.
Rex: "...with her pearls and her spatula who says things like "We owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh. I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become."
Bree gets up and takes a vase of flowers into the bathroom, explaining that they need water.
In the bathroom, she quickly adjusts the flowers and then turns on the faucet. Then she begins to cry..
"Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes. But her husband never knew. Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect."
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Carlos kneels down to look at the grass on the lawn as Gabrielle rushes out of the house in an evening gown. He asks her if John was there today. She says yes. He says that the lawn hadn't been mowed, and he's had it with John; he's gonna get a real gardener. She asks him why.
Carlos: "Are you deaf? I just said he's not doing his job."
Gabrielle: "It's dark. You just can't see that the lawn has been mowed."
Carlos: "It hasn't been. Feel this grass."
Gabrielle: "I'm not feeling the grass. Let's just get going."
She walks off and Carlos looks at the grass again.
At the party, they walk into the group of people mingling outside. He sees Tanaka, and tells her that it's "time for me to go into my dance." She wishes him luck and kisses him. He walks off.
She frantically looks around. She grabs a waiter and points out Carlos. She tells the waiter to make sure that he has a drink in his hand all night long. She takes some money and gives it to the waiter. The waiter smiles and goes off to follow Carlos.
Gabrielle rushes off and drives back home. She reaches her house, gets out of the car, and pulls out the lawn mower, still in her evening gown. She starts the mower and begins mowing the lawn.
Later, once she's finished, she returns to the party and looks for Carlos. He's where she left him, still with Tanaka, and the waiter is handing him a drink. She breathes a sigh of relief and rubs a hand through her hair, where she finds a leaf behind her ear. Gasping, she pulls it out and drops it to the ground, looking around to make sure nobody noticed.
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The next morning, at Carlos and Gabrielle's house, Carlos walks outside. He walks through the lawn, then stops, looks down, and kneels, feeling the grass. Shaking his head, he gets back up and walks to his car.
Gabrielle is up on the balcony and she breathes a sigh of relief as she watches him.
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At the grocery store, Susan is shopping. She gets stopped by Mrs. Huber, who says that she's not feeling well, that her stomach is upset.
Mrs. Huber: "I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake. It's been running through me ever since. And I need to be at my best. Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight."
Susan: "He's spending the night?"
Mrs. Huber: "Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours. If you know what I mean."
She turns back to the medicines as Susan rushes off, without her cart. Mrs. Huber doesn't notice as she continues talking to Susan. "Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this?" She looks up and Susan is gone.
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Susan is pacing in her kitchen.
Susan: "I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, He just can't!"
Julie: "You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just having dinner."
Susan just stares at her.
Julie continues. "You're right. They're doing it."
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Susan walks to Edie's house, a measuring cup in her hand. She sees a car parked in front, and she goes up to the house and knocks on the door. She calls out Edie's name, then goes around the back of the house. "Edie?" She tries a door and it's unlocked, so she calls out softly, "Hello? Anyone home?" She goes inside, calling out, "Edie? are you here? I need to borrow sugar."
She walks into the living room, where clothing is thrown haphazardly on the floor. Candles are lit, and music is playing. Susan picks up Edie's bra, which is lying on the couch, and hears sounds of lovemaking from upstairs.
"And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever."
Susan sits on the couch, the measuring cup dropping, forgotten, onto the floor.
"And despite the precariousness of her situation..."
Susan dejected, throws Edie's bra behind her, where it hits a candle, knocking it against the curtains.
"...Susan took a moment to mourn her loss."
Susan takes a chocolate from an open container on the coffee table and eats it. Behind her, the curtains burst into flames.
After a minute, she smells the flames, and turns around, confused.
When she sees the flames, she jumps up and tries waving her arms at it, but the fire is too big. She runs to the coffee table, grabs some glasses of wine, and throws them onto the fire. The fire just roars bigger. Holding the wine glasses, she takes a pair of jeans and tries snuffing it out with them, but instead, the jeans catch on fire.
"It didn't take Susan long to realize this was not her night."
She throws the burning jeans onto the coffee table, where the items on the table begin burning. Susan doesn't know what to do and just stands there, shocked.
Edie calls down, "Is someone down there?"
Her smoke detector goes off, and Susan runs off, leaving behind the measuring cup on the floor.
Edie shouts, "My God, that's smoke!"
Susan makes it outside and runs across the lawn to escape.
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The firefighters spray water on the house, which is completely engulfed in flames.
Edie rushes around the ambulance, sees her house, and is devastated.
Mrs. Huber, off camera, begins talking to a neighbor. "It's her own fault. I've got no sympathy for her. Apparently, she left some candles unattended in the den. The paramedics said she was lucky. She could have been killed."
Susan walks up to Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree, who are standing behind police tape, watching the fire. Lynette tells Gabrielle that Edie had been having sex with some guy when the fire started. Gabrielle asks what happened to the guy. Lynette tells her: "He got smoke inhalation. He's at the hospital."
Susan is visibly upset. Bree asks if she's all right. Susan says that she feels really bad for Edie. Gabrielle says that she shouldn't feel bad for Edie.
Gabrielle: "She's a strong lady."
Lynette: "Absolutely. She'll get through this. She'll find a way to survive."
Bree: "We all do."
She turns and leaves, and the rest, minus Susan, follow. Susan walks to a police car and leans against it, looking at the fire.
A man walks up to her. It's Mike, who asks Susan "Wow. What happened?" Susan, seeing Mike, is thrilled. "Mike!"
"And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes."
Susan: "I thought you were - Uh, where were you?"
Mike: "I just got back from the movies. So, Edie had a fire, huh?"
Susan looks much happier: "Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now. Everything's fine now."
"And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities."
Susan and Mike watch the fire together.
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With the fire still blazing in the background, Mike heads home.
"Not to mention, a few unexpected surprises."
Mike picks up the phone and dials a number. "Hey, it's me. No, I have nothing yet. But don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer."
He reaches into his jeans, pulls out a gun, and places it next to the phone.
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The next day, at the Young's house, the four women finish cleaning out Mary Alice's items.
Susan brings out some champagne, for a toast.
"The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life."
Susan makes a toast. "All right, ladies, lift 'em up. To Mary Alice. Good friend and neighbor. Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace."
They all say her name, clink glasses, and drink.
Lynette tells them they should get on the road. Gabrielle reaches into a box with Mary Alice's clothing, asking them if they've seen it. She pulls out some clothing, and an envelope falls out of the box onto the sidewalk. She tells the other woman that Mary Alice always told her she was a size 6, when her clothing is instead a size 8. She laughs. "Guess we found the skeleton in her closet."
"Not quite, Gabrielle. Not quite."
Bree sees the letter on the ground and picks it up. Gabrielle asks her what it is. "It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice."
Gabrielle takes it from her.
"How ironic. To have something I tried so desperately to keep secret treated so casually."
Gabrielle opens the envelope. Lynette asks her what she's doing. Gabrielle says that it was open. "What's the big deal?" They all shrug, and Gabrielle opens the letter that was inside. She and Lynette read it, then pass it to Susan and Bree.
The letter reads: "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell."
Susan: "What does this mean?"
Lynette: "I don't know, but check out the postmark."
Bree: "Oh my god, she got it the day she died."
Gabrielle: "Do you think this is why she..."
"I am so sorry girls. I never wanted you to be burdened with this."
Susan: "Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?"
They stand there, looking at each other solemnly.
~ The End ~
This was typed by me, a human, and mistakes are possible. If you find any, no matter how trivial, please let me know. (desperate_housewives at yahoo dot com)
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Guest stars
"Mrs. Martha Huber" - Christine Estabrook
"Tom Scavo" - Doug Savant
"Danielle Van De Kamp" - Joy Lauren
"Andrew Van De Kamp" - Shawn Pyfrom
"Preston Scavo" - Brent Kinsman
"Porter Scavo" - Shane Kinsman
"Parker Scavo" - Zane Huett
"Wendy" - Sherica Durdley
"Natalie Klein" - Nike Doukas
"Waiter" - Heath McCall
"Elderly Lady" - Kay Wade
"Tanaka Party Waiter" - Edward Zoellner
Written by: Marc Cherry & Charles Pratt, Jr.
Directed by: Charles McDougall
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Overview of a nice, upscale neighborhood. Cars are driving by, people are taking walks and pushing baby carriages while saying hello to each other.
Focus on house where a woman steps outside, carrying a basket of flowers. Her voice is the one in the voiceover.
"My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there is never anything newsworthy about my life. But that all changed last Thursday."
As she talks, we see snippets of what she's describing.
"Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family. I performed my chores. I completed my projects. I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life. Until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used."
Mary Alice holds the gun to her head and pulls the trigger. The gun goes off and in the reflection of a mirror, Mary Alice falls to the floor.
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A woman reaches down into a pile of red, blood-like liquid, dips her finger into it, and raises it to her lips to taste it, then turns to look out her window when she hears the shot. The voiceover continues.
"My body was discovered by my neighbor, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced."
Mrs. Huber goes to her hallway closet and removes a blender that has a label on it reading "Property of Mary Alice Young"
She leaves her house and hurries over next door.
"After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she borrowed six months before."
Mrs. Huber goes to the front door and rings the bell, waits, then rings it again. She then goes around the house and peeks through a window. Seeing the body on the floor, she screams and rushes back to her house to call 911.
"It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot. There's blood everywhere! Yes, you've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now!"
She hangs up.
"And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But only for a moment."
Mrs. Huber turns to look at the blender with its label firmly attached.
"And if there's one thing Mrs. Huber was known for..."
Mrs. Huber tears off the label on the blender.
"...it was her ability to look on the bright side."
She puts the blender back in the closet.
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Many people go to Mary Alice Young's house, dressed solemnly.
"I was laid to rest on Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as people do in these situations, they brought food. Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken."
Lynette, caring a large platter of chicken, looks drawn and tired.
"Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. Of course, she didn't cook much while she was climbing up the corporate ladder."
Flashback to Lynette in a boardroom, giving a presentation to a group of people.
"She didn't have the time. But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant..."
Flashback to Lynette in her doctor's office, getting the ultrasound. Lynette is grinning, obviously excited.
"...her husband, Tom, had an idea. 'Why not quit your job? Kids do better with stay at home moms. It would be so much less stressful.'"
Lynette hesitantly nods her agreement at him, her smile gone.
Present time, Lynette continues walking down the sidewalk, holding the chicken platter and pushing a stroller. As she walks, her other three children, all little boys, two of whom are twins, walk in front of the stroller, the twins pushing each other as they walk.
"But this was not the case. In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic, she was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony if she had stopped to think about it."
Lynette tries to break up her children's fight as it gets more physical. She kneels down in front of them, angry.
"Listen to me. You are going to behave today. I will not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And, just so you know how serious I am..." [she pulls a piece of paper out of her jacket].
One of her boys asks, "What's that?"
Lynette: "Santa's cell phone number."
Twin: "How'd you get that?"
Lynette: "I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. Are you willing to risk that?"
They shake their heads no.
She straights up. "All right, let's get this over with."
The camera pans to a Hispanic man in a suit, standing outside of a beautiful house. He turns to watch his gorgeous wife hurry down the steps to meet him.
"Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella."
Flashback to Gabrielle when she was younger, walking down the runway as a fashion model.
"Since her modeling days in New York, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men."
Flashback to a restaurant, where Gabrielle and the man are having dinner.
"Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes. But she soon discovered that this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal."
Present time, where Gabrielle joins Carlos as he waits for her.
"Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler."
Carlos and Gabrielle walk down the street. Carlos tells Gabrielle that if she talks with Mason at the wake, she's to casually mention to him how much he paid for her necklace.
Gabrielle retorts "Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest?"
Carlos explains that Mason let him know how much he had paid for his wife's convertible. He tells her to just work it into the conversation. Gabrielle says she can't just work it in.
Carlos: "Why not? At the Donahue party, everyone was talking mutual funds and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfielders."
Gabrielle: "I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation."
Carlos: "Hey! People are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely. Wouldn't want people to think we're not happy."
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The door to the Young's house opens to show a well-groomed woman standing outside with her husband, son, and daughter. She's holding two baskets full of baked goods.
"Bree Van De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking, and for making her own clothes, and for doing her own gardening, and for re-upholstering her own furniture. Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family."
Bree walks in, with her husband and children following behind her.
She goes up to Paul and Zachary Young to offer her condolences. They tell her that she didn't need to go through so much trouble, and she says that it was no trouble at all.
She explains that one of the baskets is for the guests and the other is just for Paul and Zachary and those are "breakfast type things." As she talks, her family silently looks at each other. She hands Paul and Zachary the muffins and reminds them that she will need the baskets back. Behind her, her husband briefly closes his eyes.
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A woman leaves her house with her teenage daughter. She's carrying a casserole dish with aluminum foil covering it. The foil comes off the dish and the woman has to grab it before it flies away.
"Susan Mayer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Carl, always teased her, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their house. It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl's shirt. She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary."
Flashback to Carl leaving the house with suitcases as Susan and her daughter sit at the kitchen table, a macaroni and cheese dinner in front of them. Susan begins to cry. Her daughter leans over and pats her mother's arm.
In present time, Susan and her daughter leave their house and begin walking towards the Young's house.
"A year had passed since the divorce. Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking."
As they walk, Susan's daughter asks, "Mom, why would someone kill themselves?"
Susan: "Well, sometimes people are so unhappy, they think that's the only way they can solve their problems. "
Julie: "But Mrs. Young always seemed happy."
Susan: "Yeah. But sometimes, people pretend to be one way on the outside, when they're totally different on the inside."
Julie: "Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things, but deep down, you just know she's a bitch? "
Susan: "I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example."
They reach the house and go inside. Susan puts the macaroni and cheese on the table with the other food. She heads to the kitchen where the other three women are sitting. They say hello. Susan looks at Mary Alice's chair and then picks up the coffee to pour herself a cup.
Flashback to when all five of the women were drinking coffee together at that table when Susan's husband left her.
Mary Alice: "So what did Carl say when you confronted him?"
Susan: "You'll love this. He said, it doesn't mean anything. It was just sex."
The women all scoff. She continues. "And then he got this Zen look on his face and said, you know, Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation."
Lynette: "Please tell me you punched him."
Susan: "No, I said, really? And what do most women lead? Lives of noisy fulfillment?"
The women offer support.
Susan: "I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch."
Gabrielle: "It's like my grandmother always said. An erect penis doesn't have a conscious."
Lynette: "Even limp ones aren't all that ethical."
Bree joins in, saying that that's the reason she joined the NRA.
"When Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home with a loaded Smith & Wesson."
They laugh.
Mary Alice asks Lynette if she's worried about her husband, since he's always away on business. Lynette says that he's gotten her pregnant three times in four years. "I wish he was having sex with someone else."
They ask Susan if he'll stop seeing the woman and she says she doesn't know.
Susan: "I just don't know how I'm going to survive this."
Mary Alice: "Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are."
Susan puts her hand on Mary Alice's.
In present time, Bree interrupts Susan's memories, saying that Paul wants them to come over on Friday to go through Mary Alice's closet and pack up her things, as he can't face doing it himself. Susan agrees. Bree asks if she's okay. Susan tells her "I'm just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us. She should have let us help her."
Gabrielle asks what problems she could have had. "She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was - "
Lynette interrupts. "Our life." They're all quiet.
Gabrielle says that if Mary Alice had been having problems, they would have known, because she only lives 50 feet away. Susan tells her, "Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must have been going on."
Off to the side, unbeknownst to the women, Paul Young listens to their conversation, grim-faced. He takes a sip of his drink.
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Later, at the buffet, Susan comes up to a man putting some macaroni and cheese on his plate. She tells him not to eat it. He asks her why. She replies with "I made it, trust me." He starts to take a bite and she stops him. "Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?" He answers with "No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese."
He puts some in his mouth and Susan looks apologetic as she holds up her hands as though to say that she warned him.
He starts to chew, then stops.
"Oh my god. How did you - it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked."
"Yeah, I get that a lot."
She takes a napkin and has him spit the food into it.
He thanks her, then introduces himself as Mike Delfino. He says that he's renting the Sims house. She introduces herself and he says that he heard about her from Mrs. Huber, and that he heard that she illustrates children's books.
"Yeah, I'm very big with the under five set."
She laughs at her own joke and he chuckles. She asks what he does and he tells her that he's a plumber. "So if you ever have a clog.. or something" They smile and she looks away. She looks at the mac and cheese. "Now that everybody's seen that I've brought something, I should probably just throw this out." She picks up the mac and cheese as he watches her.
Across the room, Julie looks on, interested.
She walks away and he watches her go. She turns around as she walks, and he smiles at her. She smiles back.
Mrs. Huber finds Lynette as she's breast feeding her infant. Lynette tells her child "Ease up, little vampire."
Mrs. Huber says that she's been looking for her. "Are you aware of what your sons are doing?"
Her boys are swimming in the Young's swimming pool. Lynette comes rushing down to the pool. Looking around at everybody, she then leans down. "What are you doing? We are at a wake!"
Her boys say that she told them they could go in the pool. She clarifies that she told them they could go by the pool. She asks if they have their swimsuits on. They say that they put them on before they left. Lynette's furious. "You three planned this?" She picks up their clothing and tells them to get out. They refuse. She tells them "I am your mother. You have to do as I say." They tell her that she can't stop them from swimming.
Lynette looks around and sees everybody watching her. She then looks at her boys, who have their arms crossed as they glare at her.
She makes a decision and hands her baby to the priest. She then wades into the pool, fully clothed. They start to swim away, but she grabs them anyway. Susan, watching from the side, looks embarrassed for her.
Lynette drags her children out, takes back her baby, and tells Paul that they have to leave. "Once again, I am so sorry for your loss."
She leaves with her children.
"Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband. He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface."
Paul looks down in the depths of the pool.
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"The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives."
Lynette's children are throwing cereal everywhere while she tries to calm them.
"While some did their cooking, and some did their cleaning..."
Bree cleans toilet, furiously.
"...and some did their yoga..."
Gabrielle quietly does yoga on her front porch.
"...others did their homework."
A soccer ball is kicked over Mike Delfino's house into his backyard.
The doorbell rings at Mike's house. Julie is shown to have rung it. Mike answers the door as his dog barks and Mike bends down to hold onto its collar.
"Hi. I'm Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard."
"Okay, well, let's go around and go get it."
He walks outside with her, telling his dog to stay.
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Later that day, Julie, tossing the soccer ball in her hands, talks to her mom.
"His wife died a year ago. He wanted to stay in L.A., but there were too many memories. He's renting for tax purposes, but he hopes to buy a place real soon."
Susan tells her daughter that she can't believe she went over there. Julie replies that she saw them flirting at the wake.
"You're obviously into each other. Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out."
Susan says that she likes him, but she doesn't know if she's ready to start dating again. Julie says that she needs to get out there. She asks her mom, "how long has it been since you've had sex?"
Susan stops what she's doing and looks at her daughter.
"Are you mad that I asked you that?"
"No, I'm just trying to remember. I don't want to talk to you about my love life anymore. It weirds me out."
Julie says that she wouldn't have said anything, except that she heard her dad's girlfriend ask if Susan has dated anyone since the divorce and "dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed." Susan stares at her daughter, silent and shocked.
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Susan walks determinedly down the street to Mike's house. In her hands, she carries a small house plant. When she reaches his place, she rings the bell.
He opens the door.
"Hey, Susan."
"Hi, Mike. I brought you a house warming gift."
She says that she should have come by earlier. He says that she's the first in the neighborhood to stop by. She's happily surprised. "Really!"
"Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane and she was the first to find out. But she also know that good news... "
Edie Britt calls out, Hello there! as she comes up to join Susan and Mike on the porch.
"...travels quickly. Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5-block radius."
Scenes of Edie are shown as she seduces a plumber, then a tennis instructor, and then a priest.
"Her conquests were numerous. Varied. And legendary."
Edie has a covered dish in her hands as she bounds up the porch, says hi to Susan, and then introduces herself to Mike. Susan watches as they shake hands.
"Susan had met the enemy and she was a slut."
Mike takes the food and thanks her.
"What's this?"
"Sausage putinesca. Just something I threw together."
Susan gives her a knowing look. Mike thanks her.
"That's great. I'd invite you both in, but I was sort of in the middle of something."
They both protest that it's no problem, they had to go anyway.
"And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun."
The two woman walk away together, with Mike watching them while still holding the housewarming gifts.
"For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly."
Edie turns around to face Mike. "Oh, Mike! I heard you're a plumber?"
"But she was reminded that when it came to men..."
Edit continues. "Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?"
"...women don't fight fair."
Mike answers her. "Sure."
Susan sighs. She and Edie continue walking.
Edie: "Bye, Susan."
Susan: "Hmm."
They separate.
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At Gabrielle and Carlos's house, Gabrielle is shouting that Carlos can't order her around. She tells him that she's not going.
Carlos: "It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives."
Gabrielle: "Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass."
Carlos: "I made over $200,000 with him last week. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him."
He walks away from her, out of the house.
He sees the 16-year-old gardener, John, and calls his name. John is startled and cuts his finger. Carlos asks him why a bush is still there, since John was supposed to get rid of it last week. John says he didn't have time. Carlos says that he doesn't want to hear any more excuses. Just get rid of it.
Gabrielle comes out of the house and tells Carlos that she hates the way that he talks to her. He replies with "and I really hate that I spent $50,000 on a diamond necklace that you couldn't live without. But I've learned to deal with it. So, can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night?"
Before answering him, Gabrielle turns to John and tells him that they have bandages in the kitchen. He goes inside.
Gabrielle tells Carlos that she'll go, but "I'm keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time." Carlos backs away, smiling as he walks. "See? Now this is what a marriage is all about. Compromise."
In the kitchen, John puts on a band-aid. Gabrielle asks him if his finger is okay. He says yes, it was just a small cut. She asks to look at it. She holds his finger up to her eye level and then kisses the band-aid that's wrapped around it. Then she starts licking his finger, and before long, they start kissing each other.
John backs away after a couple of seconds, telling her "I really like it when we hook up, but I just gotta get my work done. I can't afford to lose this...job, and..."
He watches as she takes off her shirt and leans back seductively on a table in the kitchen.
She tells him that the table she's sitting on is hand carved and it's imported from Italy.
Gabrielle: "It cost him $23,000."
John [chuckles] "So you wanna do it on the table this time?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely."
She pulls off his shirt and they lean back together onto the table, kissing.
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Dinner time at Bree's house.
Aside from some soft classical music in the background, the only sound is the clinking of silverware on the plates. Danielle and Andrew are picking at the food. Danielle asks her why they can't ever have normal soup. Bree smiles and responds "Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree." Danielle asks if they can't, just once, have a soup that somebody's heard of, like french onion, or navy bean.
Bree: "First of all, your father can't eat onions. He's deathly allergic."
She looks at her husband, who's slowly eating, his eyes averted.
Bree: "And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion." [She turns to Andrew] "So, how's the osso buco?"
Andrew: "It's okay."
Bree: "It's okay? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it's okay in that sullen tone?"
Andrew: "Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?"
Bree [shocked]: "Excuse me?"
Her husband looks down at his plate.
Andrew: "Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating. Everyone's happy."
Bree: "You'd rather I serve pork and beans?"
Danielle turns to her brother. "Apologize now, I am begging you."
Andrew: "I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we just have food?
Bree: "Are you doing drugs?"
Andrew: "What?"
Bree: "Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been fresh as paint over the last six months. That would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom."
Danielle: "Trust me, that is not what he is doing."
Andrew: "Shut up."
He tells his mom that he doesn't have a problem and that she acts like she's running for mayor of Stepford. Bree looks to Rex for support.
"Rex. Seeing that you're the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something."
"Pass the salt."
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At a grocery store.
"Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion. Indignation."
Lynette is on the phone to Tom's voice mail while shopping. She says in her message that it's the fifth time she's left a message and he still hasn't called her back.
"Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I want to have some fun, too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you."
As she's talking, the twins grab a cart and race off. Her third boy watches them go and tries to get Lynette's attention. Lynette tells him "Not now, Mommy's threatening Daddy." Suddenly, she notices that the twins are gone.
They're walking down an aisle, throwing tons of food into the cart.
Lynette goes off searching for them and runs into Natalie Kline, a well-dressed woman. Lynette mutters "crap" when Natalie recognizes her, but then smiles at her. They make small talk. Lynette asks how the firm is doing, and Natalie tells her that everyone misses her. "We all say that if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now. So. How's domestic life? Don't you just love being a mom?"
"And there it was. The question that Lynette always dreaded."
Lynette: "Well, to be honest..."
"For those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So Lynette responded as she always did. She lied."
Lynette: "It's the best job I've ever had."
Behind her, near the check out lanes, her boys run the cart into an older woman, who trips and falls down. Lynette closes her eyes.
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Outside of Gabrielle and Carlos's bedroom, a school bus goes by. John and Gabrielle are in bed, with Gabrielle smoking. John asks her why she married Carlos.
Gabrielle: "Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted."
John: "And did he?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
John: "So why aren't you happy?"
Gabrielle: "I wanted all the wrong things."
John: "So do you love him?"
Gabrielle: "Yes."
John: "Then why are we here? Why are we doing this?"
Gabrielle: "Because I don't want to wake up one morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out."
John: "Hmm. Hey, can I have a drag?"
Gabrielle: "Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke."
They kiss.
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That night, Susan fluffs her hair and checks her outfit while looking in a mirror. She asks Julie "How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?"
Julie, working at the dinner table on a school project with popsicle sticks, tells her mom that she looks fine. Susan tells her "If you would cut back to two meals per day, I could get the chemical peel."
Julie tells her not to be nervous, she's just asking him out to dinner.
Susan stops primping and goes over to where her daughter's working.
Susan: "So, is that your project for school? You know, when I was in fifth grade, I made the White House out of sugar cubes."
Julie: "Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better."
Susan: "Tell me again why I fought for custody for you."
Julie: "You were using me to hurt dad."
Susan: "Oh, that's right."
She kisses the top of Julie's head and walks out, groaning.
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At Mike's house, she knocks on his door. He answers, wearing jeans and a tight T-shirt, holding a beer.
Susan: "Are you busy?"
Mike: "No, not at all. What's up?"
Susan: "Well, I just, uh, was wondering, if there was any chance that you, uh, I was just wanting to ask if -"
Suddenly, Edie comes to the door.
Susan: "Edie!"
Edie: "Hey, there, Susan."
Susan: "What are you -"
Edie: "I was making ambrosia. And I made too much, so I thought I'd bring some over to Mike. What's going on?"
Mike: "Susan was just going to ask me something."
He raises his eyebrows at her.
Susan: "I have a clog."
Mike: "Excuse me?"
Susan: "And you're a plumber, right?"
Mike: "Yeah."
Susan: "The clog's in the pipe."
Mike: "Yeah, That's usually where they are."
Susan: "Well, I've got one."
Mike: "Well, let me go get my tools."
Susan: "Now? You want to come over now? You have company."
Edie: "I don't mind."
She smirks at Susan.
Mike tells Susan "Just give me two minutes. I'll be right over." He walks back into the house and Edie closes the door in Susan's face. Susan turns and runs back to her house.
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Susan and Julie frantically stuff hair into the drain. Julie says it's not enough to clog the drain. Susan grabs some peanut butter and cooking oil to pour down the drain. "And these olives." Julie says that it's not working.
The doorbell rings, and through the kitchen window, Susan can see Mike, who smiles at her.
Susan asks "How am I going to stop up this sink?" She turns to Julie, who turns to face her, and together they turn to look at Julie's popsicle project sitting on the kitchen table.
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Later, Mike is on his back in the kitchen, fixing the pipe, with Susan watching him.
Mike: "Well, here's your problem. Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down here."
Susan: "I've told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. Kids, you know?"She catches sight of her daughter on the stairs, who glares at her. When Mike turns his attention back to the pipes, she shrugs her shoulders and looks apologetically at Julie.
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At a family restaurant, Bree and her family get their order taken. Andrew says that the restaurant has video games. He asks if they can play until their food gets there. Bree tells him that it's family time. Rex interrupts her and tells them that they can play. The kids leave.
Bree: "I know you think that I'm angry about coming here, but I'm not. You and the kids wanted a change of pace and some fun. I get it."
Rex: "I want a divorce. I just can't live in this, this detergent commercial anymore."
She stares at him, shocked.
The waiter comes over and tells them that the salad bar is over there and they can help themselves. Bree composes herself and takes Rex's salad plate. She tells him that she'll get his salad. As she gets up, he asks her, "Bree, did you hear me?" She goes to the salad bar, and begins putting salad and toppings on the plate automatically.
Mrs. Huber comes up to her. "Bree Van De Kamp!" Bree turns to face her. "Oh! Hello, Mrs. Huber." Mrs. Huber says that they didn't get a chance to talk at the wake. How is Bree doing?
Bree stares blankly into the salad bar as she adds more toppings.
"Bree longed to share the truth of her husband's painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option."
Bree turns back to Mrs. Huber. "Everything is great. Just great."
She arrives back at the table. "I got you the honey mustard dressing. The ranch looked just a little bit suspect." Resigned, he begins eating. She watches him as he chews.
Rex: "Bree, are we gonna talk about what I said?"
Bree: "If you think that I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you're out of your mind."
Suddenly, Rex clutches at his throat. "What's in this?" She tells him that it's salad. He asks her "With onions?" For a minute, she doesn't say anything, but just stares at him. He starts to get up from the booth.
Rex: "You put onions in my salad!"
Bree: "No, I didn't!"
He falls to the ground, knocking the table cloth with the plates on it over. Bree suddenly remembers. "Oh, wait!"
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Late at night, at the Young house
Zachary Young, who was sleeping in his bed, suddenly sits up straight. He can hear a noise and he gets out of bed to look out his window. He goes outside and walks towards the sound.
"The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before, many years ago, when he was quite young. But he recognized it instantly."
He reaches the pool, where the water had been drained out of it. Paul Young is using a rock pick to cut through the dirt and rock at the bottom.
"It was the sound of a family secret."
Paul looks up and sees Zachary, then goes back to work.
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"Seven days after my funeral, life at Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate."
Lynette is feeding her baby, who flings food at her.
A twin runs in, shouting that their dad is home. They climb all over him as he walks in. Lynette gets up, happy to see him. She says that she wasn't expecting to see him. He says that he has to go back in the morning, but that she sounded "a little frazzled" so he came home.
The kids ask him for presents, and he gives them a football. He makes them promise that they will go outside and practice throwing for 20 minutes. They promise and then run out. He throws the football to them.
As they play, Tom and Lynette go into the bedroom, kissing. Lynette protests, saying that she's exhausted, looks terrible, and she's covered in peaches. He tells her that he's gotta have her. He starts fumbling with his pants.
She lies back on the pillows, tired.
Lynette: "Well, is it okay if I just lie here?"
Tom: "Absolutely."
He takes off his jacket. They kiss.
She tells him that she was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took her off of the pill, and he needs to use a condom.
Tom: "Condom? What's the big deal? Let's risk it."
Lynette: "Let's risk it?"
Tom: "Yeah."
She punches him, and he falls off of her to the side.
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In the hospital, Rex is in a hospital bed with Bree sitting by his bedside.
Rex: "I can't believe you tried to kill me."
Bree: "Yes, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over, and I got distracted. It was a mistake."
Rex: "Since when do you make mistakes?"
Bree: "What's that supposed to mean?"
Rex: "It means that I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. You're this plastic suburban housewife..."
Bree looks stunned as he talks.
Rex: "...with her pearls and her spatula who says things like "We owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh. I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become."
Bree gets up and takes a vase of flowers into the bathroom, explaining that they need water.
In the bathroom, she quickly adjusts the flowers and then turns on the faucet. Then she begins to cry..
"Bree sobbed quietly in the restroom for five minutes. But her husband never knew. Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect."
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Carlos kneels down to look at the grass on the lawn as Gabrielle rushes out of the house in an evening gown. He asks her if John was there today. She says yes. He says that the lawn hadn't been mowed, and he's had it with John; he's gonna get a real gardener. She asks him why.
Carlos: "Are you deaf? I just said he's not doing his job."
Gabrielle: "It's dark. You just can't see that the lawn has been mowed."
Carlos: "It hasn't been. Feel this grass."
Gabrielle: "I'm not feeling the grass. Let's just get going."
She walks off and Carlos looks at the grass again.
At the party, they walk into the group of people mingling outside. He sees Tanaka, and tells her that it's "time for me to go into my dance." She wishes him luck and kisses him. He walks off.
She frantically looks around. She grabs a waiter and points out Carlos. She tells the waiter to make sure that he has a drink in his hand all night long. She takes some money and gives it to the waiter. The waiter smiles and goes off to follow Carlos.
Gabrielle rushes off and drives back home. She reaches her house, gets out of the car, and pulls out the lawn mower, still in her evening gown. She starts the mower and begins mowing the lawn.
Later, once she's finished, she returns to the party and looks for Carlos. He's where she left him, still with Tanaka, and the waiter is handing him a drink. She breathes a sigh of relief and rubs a hand through her hair, where she finds a leaf behind her ear. Gasping, she pulls it out and drops it to the ground, looking around to make sure nobody noticed.
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The next morning, at Carlos and Gabrielle's house, Carlos walks outside. He walks through the lawn, then stops, looks down, and kneels, feeling the grass. Shaking his head, he gets back up and walks to his car.
Gabrielle is up on the balcony and she breathes a sigh of relief as she watches him.
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At the grocery store, Susan is shopping. She gets stopped by Mrs. Huber, who says that she's not feeling well, that her stomach is upset.
Mrs. Huber: "I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake. It's been running through me ever since. And I need to be at my best. Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight."
Susan: "He's spending the night?"
Mrs. Huber: "Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours. If you know what I mean."
She turns back to the medicines as Susan rushes off, without her cart. Mrs. Huber doesn't notice as she continues talking to Susan. "Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this?" She looks up and Susan is gone.
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Susan is pacing in her kitchen.
Susan: "I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, He just can't!"
Julie: "You don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just having dinner."
Susan just stares at her.
Julie continues. "You're right. They're doing it."
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Susan walks to Edie's house, a measuring cup in her hand. She sees a car parked in front, and she goes up to the house and knocks on the door. She calls out Edie's name, then goes around the back of the house. "Edie?" She tries a door and it's unlocked, so she calls out softly, "Hello? Anyone home?" She goes inside, calling out, "Edie? are you here? I need to borrow sugar."
She walks into the living room, where clothing is thrown haphazardly on the floor. Candles are lit, and music is playing. Susan picks up Edie's bra, which is lying on the couch, and hears sounds of lovemaking from upstairs.
"And just like that, the possibility Susan had clung to, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever."
Susan sits on the couch, the measuring cup dropping, forgotten, onto the floor.
"And despite the precariousness of her situation..."
Susan dejected, throws Edie's bra behind her, where it hits a candle, knocking it against the curtains.
"...Susan took a moment to mourn her loss."
Susan takes a chocolate from an open container on the coffee table and eats it. Behind her, the curtains burst into flames.
After a minute, she smells the flames, and turns around, confused.
When she sees the flames, she jumps up and tries waving her arms at it, but the fire is too big. She runs to the coffee table, grabs some glasses of wine, and throws them onto the fire. The fire just roars bigger. Holding the wine glasses, she takes a pair of jeans and tries snuffing it out with them, but instead, the jeans catch on fire.
"It didn't take Susan long to realize this was not her night."
She throws the burning jeans onto the coffee table, where the items on the table begin burning. Susan doesn't know what to do and just stands there, shocked.
Edie calls down, "Is someone down there?"
Her smoke detector goes off, and Susan runs off, leaving behind the measuring cup on the floor.
Edie shouts, "My God, that's smoke!"
Susan makes it outside and runs across the lawn to escape.
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The firefighters spray water on the house, which is completely engulfed in flames.
Edie rushes around the ambulance, sees her house, and is devastated.
Mrs. Huber, off camera, begins talking to a neighbor. "It's her own fault. I've got no sympathy for her. Apparently, she left some candles unattended in the den. The paramedics said she was lucky. She could have been killed."
Susan walks up to Gabrielle, Lynette, and Bree, who are standing behind police tape, watching the fire. Lynette tells Gabrielle that Edie had been having sex with some guy when the fire started. Gabrielle asks what happened to the guy. Lynette tells her: "He got smoke inhalation. He's at the hospital."
Susan is visibly upset. Bree asks if she's all right. Susan says that she feels really bad for Edie. Gabrielle says that she shouldn't feel bad for Edie.
Gabrielle: "She's a strong lady."
Lynette: "Absolutely. She'll get through this. She'll find a way to survive."
Bree: "We all do."
She turns and leaves, and the rest, minus Susan, follow. Susan walks to a police car and leans against it, looking at the fire.
A man walks up to her. It's Mike, who asks Susan "Wow. What happened?" Susan, seeing Mike, is thrilled. "Mike!"
"And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes."
Susan: "I thought you were - Uh, where were you?"
Mike: "I just got back from the movies. So, Edie had a fire, huh?"
Susan looks much happier: "Yeah. Yeah, but she's fine now. Everything's fine now."
"And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities."
Susan and Mike watch the fire together.
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With the fire still blazing in the background, Mike heads home.
"Not to mention, a few unexpected surprises."
Mike picks up the phone and dials a number. "Hey, it's me. No, I have nothing yet. But don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer."
He reaches into his jeans, pulls out a gun, and places it next to the phone.
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The next day, at the Young's house, the four women finish cleaning out Mary Alice's items.
Susan brings out some champagne, for a toast.
"The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life."
Susan makes a toast. "All right, ladies, lift 'em up. To Mary Alice. Good friend and neighbor. Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace."
They all say her name, clink glasses, and drink.
Lynette tells them they should get on the road. Gabrielle reaches into a box with Mary Alice's clothing, asking them if they've seen it. She pulls out some clothing, and an envelope falls out of the box onto the sidewalk. She tells the other woman that Mary Alice always told her she was a size 6, when her clothing is instead a size 8. She laughs. "Guess we found the skeleton in her closet."
"Not quite, Gabrielle. Not quite."
Bree sees the letter on the ground and picks it up. Gabrielle asks her what it is. "It's a letter addressed to Mary Alice."
Gabrielle takes it from her.
"How ironic. To have something I tried so desperately to keep secret treated so casually."
Gabrielle opens the envelope. Lynette asks her what she's doing. Gabrielle says that it was open. "What's the big deal?" They all shrug, and Gabrielle opens the letter that was inside. She and Lynette read it, then pass it to Susan and Bree.
The letter reads: "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell."
Susan: "What does this mean?"
Lynette: "I don't know, but check out the postmark."
Bree: "Oh my god, she got it the day she died."
Gabrielle: "Do you think this is why she..."
"I am so sorry girls. I never wanted you to be burdened with this."
Susan: "Oh, Mary Alice, what did you do?"
They stand there, looking at each other solemnly.
~ The End ~
