英语冷笑话若干

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

不是迷信的时候

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-06/12/content_15495104.htm
请你来玩狗

A: We have got a new dog. Would you like to come around and play with him? B: Well, I don't know---does he bite? A: That's what I want to find out.


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-06/07/content_15482143.htm
为什么血不流向脚

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

分发口香糖

Distributing chewing gum to the passengers, the stewardess explained it was to keep their ears from popping. When the plane landed, one of the passengers rushed up to her and said, "I'm meeting my wife right away. How do I get the gum out from my ears?"
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-05/30/content_15422356.htm
我让奶奶高兴了

A Sunday-school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," she said, "has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?" "Please, teacher," said a small boy, "I've made someone glad yesterday."


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-05/25/content_15384477.htm
神奇的眼镜

Patient: Doc, will I be able to read with these glasses? Doc: You sure will. Patient: That's great! I never could read before.

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

嫉妒

Two friends were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you? " Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around...
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-05/07/content_15223157.htm
闭上眼睛

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" "No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing."


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-05/04/content_15208291.htm
金刚后代

Girlfriend: One of my ancestors was actually a king. Boyfriend: I never knew you were a desendant of King Kong.

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

一美元

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? Vincent: One dollar.
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-04/26/content_15146155.htm
我该用哪个器械

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" The trainer replied: "Use the ATM outside the gym!!!"


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-04/24/content_15123719.htm
给两条金鱼起名字

A man had two goldfish, he named one of them "One" and the other "Two". He did this because...if one died, he'd still have two.

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

哪一部分？

A: "I was born in California." B: "Which part?" A: "All of me."

为什么母鸡腿短？

Son: Why are hen's legs so short? Dad: You're a fool. If the hen's legs were too long, wouldn't they drop their eggs into pieces when laying?

长寿快乐的秘诀

A woman said to an old man. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing. How old are you?" "26."

谁跳得更高

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!



你是下一个

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings. My grandmother would tell me, "You're next." However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

神奇的婴儿

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week? B: That's impossible. Whose baby? A: An elephant's.
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-03/28/content_14929636.htm
去动物园

"My husband is so ugly that when he goes to the zoo he has to buy two tickets: one to get in and one to get out."


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-03/27/content_14920118.htm
不仅，而且

Student: My mom is not only fat but also thin, not only tall but also short. Teacher: Is your mom "transformer"?


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-03/22/content_14888003.htm
大猩猩的鼻孔

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-03/16/content_14849973.htm
你应该上电视

Boyfriend: How is my guitar skill? Girlfriend: You should be on TV for your talent. Boyfriend: Am I so good?

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

和父亲同岁

Teacher: How old is your dad? Student: He is as old as I am. Teacher: How is it possible?
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-02/29/content_14718437.htm
给我打辆出租车

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-02/24/content_14683416.htm
只有斑点

Patient: I think I'm spending too long on the computer, I'm starting to get spots in front of my eyes. Doctor: Have you seen an optician?


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-02/16/content_14621617.htm
没电

Mike: Mum, I want to watch TV. Mum: There is no electricity tonight.


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-02/15/content_14610026.htm
一则广告

A newspaper carried this classified ad, "The man who picked up my wallet on Market Street was recognized. He is requested to return it."

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

头条

While taking photos of a bear eating fish in the forest, two journalists found the annoyed beast turned around to chase them.
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-02/09/content_14566637.htm
为什么总喝水

Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad. Father: What's that got to do with it?


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-01/18/content_14467582.htm
好消息和坏消息（婚姻版）

"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client. "I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-01/13/content_14437629.htm
好消息和坏消息（士兵版）

The soldiers had been marching and fighting, they were dirty, hot and tired. One day, the general announced: “My men, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which one would you like first?”


http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-01/10/content_14412262.htm
急诊

"Help! Doctor! Please come quickly! My ten-year-old son has just swallowed a pen!" "Ok, I'll be right there. I'll be there in 10 to 20 minutes." "Good, but...what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

“哎妈，该死，明天我预约了要去看医生啊。” 　
“那就取消掉嘛。就说你病了。”
"Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow."
"Just cancel it. Tell them you're sick."



Just cancel it.取消掉
you're sick你病了

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

“亲爱的，你睡了么？”我问妻子，“我性欲起来了……” 　
“不，我还醒着呢。”她悄声回答我。 　
“好，”我说，“那我再等半个小时吧。
"Are you asleep yet love?" I asked my wife. "I'm feeling horny."
"No. I'm still awake." she whispered.
"OK." I said, " I'll give it another half hour."

Are you asleep yet你睡了么
I'm feeling horny我性欲起来了 horny〈美俚〉好色的，猥亵的

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

我问妻子：“你今天一整晚都没说过话呢，出什么事了吗？” 　
“哼，你关心个啥啊？”她啐了一口。 　
“嘛，要是有什么事儿能让你不爽到闭嘴……那我必须得知道以作后用啊
I said to the wife, "You haven't said a word all night, is there something wrong?"
"What do you care?" she spat.
"Well, if something is bothering you that much to shut you up, I want to know for future reference."

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

妻子发短信问我人在哪里。
“情绪管理课，心理顾问在和我说怎么少发脾气、控制怒火。” 　
“谈得怎么样？” 　
My wife sent me a text, "Where are you?"
"I'm at my anger management meeting."
"How's it going?"
"Not good, I'll fill you in later." “不怎么样……回家你就知道了。


How's it going怎么样？
Not good不怎么样！

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

肥婆女友从楼梯上冲下来对着我吼：“竟然嫌我胖！好！我走！我再也不会回来了！这辈子我都不会再见你一次！” 　
我答道：“你八成还会再见到我的，我在必胜客上班
As my fat girlfriend stormed down the stairs she shouted, "I'm leaving and I'm never coming back, I'll never hear from you or see you ever again."
I replied, "It's likely you will, I work at Pizza Hut."



storm吼叫

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

我昨晚不小心用手机拨了火警电话。 　

为了免于尴尬我赶紧放了把火把自家房子给烧了。
I accidentally dialed 999 from my mobile phone last night.
So I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.


好样！！！！！

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

走进卫生间，看见我一哥们儿在用我的牙刷。
我大叫：“搞毛啊你！要是我在你家也这样，你说你乐不乐意？！” 　
“你在我家没必要这样啊，”他说，“我家有厕纸。

I walked into the bathroom and caught my mate using my toothbrush.
"What the fuck!" I yelled. "How would you like it if I did that in your house?"
"You wouldn't need to," he replied. "My house has toilet roll."



What the fuck我靠!

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

妻子穿着一身暴露护士装款款走进卧室，
她眨巴眨巴眼睛用挑逗语气说：“先生，您需要帮忙吗？” 　
“啊，需要，其实我感觉不太舒服。” 　
她嘻嘻一笑：“是吗，这么快就不舒服了呀……” 　
“是的，你个死肥婆快披件衣服别露这么多肉！
My wife came into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurse's outfit last night.
"Do you need some help, sir?" She said with a wink.
"Yes," I replied. "I feel sick."
"Ooh, do you now," she giggled.
"Yes, so put some clothes on, you fat cunt."



naughty暴露的
outfit制服
I feel sick我觉得不舒服
fat cunt 肥胖的身体

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

身为家长，每天我都要检查儿子的电脑上有没有成人视频和图片。 　
他找起这东西来比我在行多了呀。
As a parent, I check my son's computer for porn everyday.
He's got a much bigger and better collection than I do.


As a parent身为家长

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

在圣诞节时收到我送的书当礼物的各位朋友们请注意了…书今天在图书馆就到期了
To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present...
They are due back at the library today.

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

我一个哥们儿，看了《午夜凶铃》，7天后，他死了。 　 我们这儿的影片出租店对欠费还真是不含糊啊
My mate watched The Ring video and, 7 days later, he died.
Our local video renting shop doesn't fuck about with their late fees.


The Ring午夜凶铃
7 days later 7天后
late fees欠费


看懂了么？他不是被吓死的。是因为欠费，被砍死的

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

显然，我的眼科医生上个星期因为我而生气了。她说她在镇外见着我挥手跟我打招呼，我竟然都没注意到她。 　
好嘛，于是这该算是谁的错呢！
Apparently, I offended my optician last week. She saw me out in town and waved at me, but I didn't notice her.
Well, whose fault is that!

Apparently显然
She saw me out in town她在镇外见
waved at me挥手跟我打招呼
whose fault is that!这该算是谁的错