365 British and American Jokes

[annieyu]

Salesmanship

The sales manager was approached by some little Girl Scouts peddling cookies."Why do you want to see me?" he asked.

"Because you are so handsome,"smiled one little girl.

He bought twelve boxes and went back to his desk murmuring,"There is no brighter sales tool than truth."

 

[annieyu]

The price tag

A new mother came home from the hospital with her baby son still wearing his hospital identification tag.The mother's three-year-old son met his new brother, then asked,"Mama,when are you gonna take off his price tag?"

 

[annieyu]

Accurate

He had found fault with his secretary for altering a sentence in a letter he had dictated.
"I don't want you to think." roared the great man,"I want you to take down my words accurately and then type them,neither adding nor leaving out any thing I may say."
Later i n the afternoon the typist brought back the following letter:
"Dear Smyth: Spell it with a "Y",though that's pure swank on his part.In answer to your letter of --look up the date.We can quote you---tell me,Walter, what's the most we can charge this old buzzard? Very well.We can quote you $50 a ton for the goods.If he accepts we shall have to make sure of our money beforehand,for I don't trust him.Awaiting the pleasure of your valued order,yours faithfully."

 

[annieyu]

swank (adjective)打扮漂亮的,爱出风头的
(noun)出风头,炫耀
(vi) 出风头,炫耀
buzzard (noun) 秃鹰类,贪婪的人

 

[annieyu]

can't change them

In her school essay on "Parents", a little girl wrote,"We get our parents at so late an age that it is impossible to change their habits."

 

[annieyu]

Be a good boy

"Now, Jonny, be a good boy and say 'Ah-h-h' so the doctor can get his finger out of your mouth."

 

[annieyu]

Ｉt Changed Him

"I'm glad to find you as you were."said the old friend."Your wealth hasn't changed you."
"Well," replied the candid millionaire," it has changed me in one thing.I'm now"eccentric"where I used to be impolite,and "delightfully witty" where I uesd to be rude. "

 

[annieyu]

Speciality

First surgeon: (leaving operating room):That was close!(真玄啊!)

Second surgeon: What do you mean?

First surgeon: An inch either way(无论向哪边超出一英寸) and I would have been out of my speciality. (我就越出我的专业了)

 

[annieyu]

A Problem

The new minister's family was presented with a pie by one of the congregation (教区)who was a rather poor cook.The pie was inedible,
so the minister's wife reluctantly threw it into the garbage.
The preacher was faced with the problem of thanking the lady ,while at the same time being truthful.After much thought,he sent the following note:
"Dear Mrs. Jones: Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful.I can assure you that pie like yours never lasts long at our house."

 

[annieyu]

Last Raise

An office worker ,slicing a gaily decorated cake at his desk,said to his boss,"Hope you don't mind ,sir.Just a little celebration on the tenth anniversary of my last raise."

 

[annieyu]

Her Prayer

Louise,a little girl who had begun life in a happy-go-lucky household,went to spend a few days with a very strict aunt.
One morning,after a tryingf day when she had been scolded for her small faults even more than usual,she said her evening prayer.As the aunt passed the door,she heard ,"... and please, make all the bad people good,and the good people a little easier to live with."

 

[annieyu]

Probably Will

"Mother," asked Bobby,"is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"
"So I understand ,Bobby,but why do you ask?"
"Well,I've kept away six doctors this morning,but I am afraid one will have to come this afternoon."

 

[annieyu]

Where is the winner?

Customer: This lobster's only got one claw.
Waiter: I guess he's been in a fight ,sir.
Customer:Well,bring me the winner.

 

[annieyu]

The Origin of the roast Beijing duck---a fantastic story

I suppose you have all tasted the famous roast Beijing duck.But do you know its origin?Well,here is the story.
Centries ago--- in what dynasty I do not remember,there klived a man(no woman was involved in the story,so it is not complicated)who devoted his whole life to pleasing people with sweet honeyed words.People nicknamed him "Sweet Mouth".Many fell victims to his flattery.Enchanted by his flowery compliments they were demoralized.The honest became dishonest,the virtuous became villainous,the pious became unholy,the incorruptible became corruptible.Throughout the years Sweet Mouth had killed thousands not with knife or gun,but by high skill of making people believe that they were perfect.

Having completed a successful career this flatterer died.On death bed he still wore a smile on the lips as he wanted to please the undertaker,who exclaimed" I have never seen such a lovely corpse!"

The spirit(or ghost) of Sweet Mouth drifted to the Court of the King of Hell to face judgement.The King examined his record.Being a fair,just and honest ruler who hated flattery,he became furious.He cried,"You have committed enormous crimes.You should die a thousand times and go through 18 hells."

"Have mercy on me,I beg you,Your majesty,Sweet Mouth pleaded,"Give me a chance to explain."

The king consented,saying,"I 'll give you only one chance.But you must speak the truth, all truth,nothing but truth."
(to be continued)

 

[annieyu]

The Origin of the Roast Bejing duck

Sweet Mouth began."Your Majesty may not know how things are run in the earthly world.Most people like to hear nice words;they do not like to hear words which hurt their ears.So I just give them what they like and do not give them what they do not like.That's how I get along so well."
"Is everybody like that in your world?"the King asked.
"Well, there are exceptions.People like Your Majesty can never be flattered."
"Oh,well...Go on,go on,I am listening,"the King sat up.
"Your Majesty,"Sweet Mouth continued,"You are most kins,just and fair.YOu can see I am innocent.If people take my nice words for granted and lose their head,they asked for it."
The King thought for a while."He is an honest man,"he said to himself."I cannot punish a honest man.I might lose the throne.TO avoid criticism I must find a safe way --to combine leniency with punishment."So ,he said to Sweet Mouth,"The practice of my court is that anyone brought before me must receive some punishment,right or wrong.However,as you have frankly confessed to your misdeeds,I'll show you that I'm a kind -hearted king.You will be spared from cruel torture.Instead,you will be sent back to the earthly world to be reborn---not as a man but transformed into a duck,which is to grow from a duckling to a full-fledged duck, and then fed and stuffed,killed and rasted, to satisfy your long-cherished wish of sweetening the mouths of all those you like to please."
Such is the origin of the roast Bejing duck.When you have a roast duck dinner,do not forget that you are eating the flesh of a flatterer.

 

[annieyu]

Grandma did

Mother: (horrified) Kissing a man you just met! You never saw me doing that!

Daughter: No,but I'll bet Grandma did.

 

[annieyu]

Strap

On a crowded bus:
"Madam,would you like me to get you a strap to hang on to ?"
"No,thank you,I have one."
"Then would you mind letting go of my necktie?"

 

[annieyu]

Coffee Breaks Missed

Then there was the fellow who wanted to know if he could have a day off with pay.When asked why,he said,"I want to catch up on the time I missed for coffee breaks when I was on vacation."

 

[annieyu]

Please Resign

The new secretary hurriedly finished a letter and gave it to nthe boss for his signature.The boss detected a minor typing error,but signed the letter anyway.Before she mailed it,the secretary also noticed her mistake,so she typed a revision and placed on the boss desk with the note,"Please resign."(resign 重签 resign辞职)

 

[annieyu]

Thank Goodness

Little Toby was telling his mother about the day in school."Mother",he said,"today our teacher asked me whether I had any brothers or sisters and I told her I was the only child."
"And what did she say?" asked his mother.
"She said,"Thank goodness!"