英语冷笑话若干

[生命的狂想]

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我一般判断一个妹子有多漂亮的方法，就是看我老婆叫了她几次“骚货”。
I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whore.



attractive a woman迷人的；招人喜爱的的女人
whore妓女，男妓；性关系不道德的女子

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

儿子和女儿跑过来跟我说：“爸爸爸爸，我们在玩过家家游戏，我们当爸爸妈妈，你当我们的孩子好不好？” 　
“好啊，”我说着往沙发上拉了一泡屎，“来先把这个弄干净。
My son and my daughter said to me, "We want to pretend that we're mummy and daddy, and you have to be the baby, ok?"
"Go on then," I said, shitting on the sofa, "You can start by clearing that up."


pretend that we're mummy and daddy玩过家家游戏
Go on then那么

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

妻子都冲我喊了两天了，哎，不就是因为我一直没去修去地下室那边的楼梯台阶嘛。 　
我是该找机会下去看看她，这几次她喊得可痛苦。
My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement.
I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.

moan呻吟；发出呻吟般的凄切声；悲叹；抱怨
basement地下室

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

听到我朋友在说：“哇！今天是12.12.12耶，一辈子只能遇到一次啊！” 　
每个日期都特么只能遇到一次好么！！煞笔，不然叫什么日期啊！

Heard my friend say, "Woah, 12.12.12, that only happens once in a lifetime."
Every date only happens once, moron. That's how time works.


only happens once in a lifetime一辈子只能遇到一次
moron傻子；痴愚者（指心理年龄在8至12岁的成年人）

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

请静下心来，想一想在这个12月中，会有多少人因为相信世界末日真的会来到，而选择自杀。 　
说到这个：也请想一想来年1月，全世界的平均智商会提高多少。

Imagine how many people are going to commit suicide next month, simply because they believe the world will really end.
On a related note: Imagine how much higher the world's average IQ will be come January.

(清洗弱智的时候到了！！)

Imagine 想象一下
suicide 自杀

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

妻子穿着一身暴露护士装款款走进卧室，
她眨巴眨巴眼睛用挑逗语气说：“先生，您需要帮忙吗？” 　
“啊，需要，其实我感觉不太舒服。” 　
她嘻嘻一笑：“是吗，这么快就不舒服了呀……” 　
“是的，你个死肥婆快披件衣服别露这么多肉！
My wife came into the bedroom wearing a naughty nurse's outfit last night.
"Do you need some help, sir?" She said with a wink.
"Yes," I replied. "I feel sick."
"Ooh, do you now," she giggled.
"Yes, so put some clothes on, you fat cunt."



naughty暴露的
outfit制服
I feel sick我觉得不舒服
fat cunt 肥胖的身体

 

[生命的狂想]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

昨晚我在街上时，一个醉醺醺的姑娘冲我走过来说：“嘿大哥，来根烟行不？” 　
“露个咪咪给我看再来问……！”我说。 　
她就把衣服和胸罩一撩，然后说：“大哥，来根烟行不？” 　
“不好意思啊，我不抽烟的。
A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street last night and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?"
"Show me your tits and then ask me the question again." I replied.
So she lifted up her top and bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?"
"Sorry, luv. I don't smoke."


A drunk girl醉醺醺的姑娘
pinch 捏，掐
tits奶头
luv【口】亲爱的,宝贝儿

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

雌雄难辨


A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.


咬自己的右眼

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender...

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

美还是丑

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter? Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.


闷屁

A man walks into the doctor's office with a serious problem. "Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, and even at church, I release tons of silent farts everywhere I go! ...

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

微笑缴税

A: I hate paying my income tax. B: You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile? A: I'd like to but they insist on money!


取而代之

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Garber has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

悲痛的哀悼者

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”


不能见医生

One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital. Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you. Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

任意按键

"My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"



向婶婶道歉

Dad: "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her." Son: (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid."

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

为什么鼻青脸肿

A man came to work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man replied, “On Sunday, I was sitting behind a big woman at church...


不死的爱

Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes, dear. Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love.

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

改错别句

T: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field". S: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field. T: How? S: Ladies first.




最喜欢哪种鸟

"What kinds of bird do you like best, Jack?" Jack answered, "Fried chicken, sir."

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

本性难移

When a very miserly man nicknamed the “stingy ghost” died and went to hell, the Yama King reproached him.



噪音的优点

“That's okay.” he said. “I'm buying this car for my daughter. If she complains about a vibration, I'll know she's driving too fast.”

 

[昆虫国际]

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学以致用

In a sales company, the boss said to one of his employees: The main thing to remember is repetition, repetition, repetition! That's the key!


我能得到什么

Teacher: If I cut a beefsteak in half and then cut the half in half, what do I get? Tommy: Quarters. Teacher: And then if I cut it twice again?

 

[昆虫国际]

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好客

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese...


螺旋桨的作用

A: "What's the purpose of the propeller?" B: "To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!"

 

[昆虫国际]

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不捐款的理由

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.


上帝住在哪里

Teacher: Where does God live? Student: I think he lives in our bathroom. Teacher: Why do you say that? Student: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, "God, are you still in there?"

 

[昆虫国际]

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宝贝吞下了子弹

Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do?" Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-07/03/content_15544555.htm
为什么女人话多

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while...

 

[昆虫国际]

回复: 英语冷笑话若干

最懒的人

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up." Nine hands went up...
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/language_tips/easyEnglish/2012-06/18/content_15508554.htm
买得越多越便宜

Deciding to do some back-yard landscaping, my father-in-law went to the brickyard to buy quantity of brick. When he asked the salesclerk about the cost, the man replied. "The more you buy, the cheaper they are."