365 British and American Jokes

[annieyu]

I have already determined to wait for long long time until I would get my me,dm and pl.So let us have fun every day.

 

[annieyu]

Good Question

The librarian went over to the small ,noisy boy."Please be Quiet!".She admonished."The other p[eople near you can not read".
"They can not read ?" the lad said inquisitively."Then what are they doing here?"

 

[annieyu]

An Energetic Wife

Neighbour: I heard a big noise in front of your house last night.What happened to you?


Husband:It was nothing.My wife was a bit cross,and threw my overcoat out of the window.


Neighbour: Your overcoat? But how could it make such a noise?


Husband:I.......I happened to be inside the coat.

 

[annieyu]

A Satisfactory Substitute

A neighbor boy knocked at the door.
"Can Timmy come out and play with me?"he asked.
"I'm sorry ,but Timmy is taking his nap,"Timmy'mother replied.
"Then can Timmy's new bike come out and play"?He inquired hopefully.

 

[叶子66600]

Good , I like it ! adding SW to you!

 

[annieyu]

I am glad that you like it .thank you for you sw.

 

[annieyu]

More Experienced

"Your Honor", the accused hit- and -run driver's lawyer pleaded," that man who was injured must have been careless.My client is an experienced driver of more than 20 years."
"If experience is the issue here,"the other attorney countered,"My client has been walking for over fifty years."

 

[annieyu]

THe language points of last joke

attorney(American)=solicitor(English)
a power of attorney (委任书)
a letter of attorney(委任状,授权书)


client state(附庸国)
We can memorize these following words together:
Plea---noun,The hospital sent out a plea for blood-donors.(医院向社会呼吁公民义务献血.)
a plea for mercy(forgiveness,help)(请求怜悯,宽恕,帮助)
Plead-----verb,The accused pleaded not guilty.(被告声称无罪)

pledge-----noun,verb.This year our goverment has pledged to reduce or abolish the tax of agriculture.

 

[annieyu]

Not Difficult

The duck hunters had been waiting hours for some ducks to show up.Finally a lone duck flew by and everybody missed except one hunter who had been belting down a bottle of whiskey.
His pals asked him how on earth he had hit the thing.
"That's easy,"he replied,"you ought to be able to hit something when a flock that big goes by."

 

[annieyu]

Vice-president

A man who had just been promoted to vice-president boasted so much about it to his wife that she finally retorted,"Vice-presidents are a dozen a dime.Why ,in the supermarket they even have a vice-president in charge of prunes."
Furious,the husband phoned the supermarket in the expectation of refuting his wife.He asked to speak to the vice-president in charge of prunes.
"which kind?"was the reply."Fresh or dried?"

 

[annieyu]

Smart Customer

The butcher placed his last roast on the scale."That' ll be $3.95,",he told the customer.
"That one's too small."
The canny butcher returned the roast to the refrigerator,paused a moment,then took it out again."This one,"he annouced,"will be $4.80,"
The customer smiled,"I will take both of them."

 

[annieyu]

8 Sudden Realization

Two teenagers on a tour of a modern art gallery found themselves alone in a room of modern sculpture.Staring at the twisted pipes,broken glass,and tangled shapes,one of them said,"Let us get out of here before they accuse us of wrecking this place."

 

[annieyu]

Full name

"Do you know the name of the little boy who sits behind you,Rosalie?"Mother asked the first-grader.
"His name is Jimmy",Rosalie answered.
"Jimmy who?" asked mother
"His whole name is Jimmy Sitdown,"said Rosalie,"that's what the teacher calls him."

 

[annieyu]

10) Not that bad

"It looks like a bad storm is coming up," said the hostess,"You' d better stay for dinner."
"Oh,thanks," said the guest absently,"but I don't think it will be that bad. "

 

[annieyu]

Result of Laziness

A teacher asked a class to write an essay on " The Result of Laziness."
And What a bright but lazy boy in the class handed in as his composition was but a blank sheet of paper.

 

[annieyu]

Only one who could answer

His name was Johnny,and one day he came home from school looking so miserable that his mother was worried."What is wrong?"She finally asked.Out of his trousers pocket,Johnny fished a note from the teacher which said,"Johnny has been a very naughty boy.Please have a serious talk with him."
"What did you do?"asked Mother.
"Nothing ,"sobbed Johnny,"Except that the teacher asked a question and I was the only one who could answer it."

"H'm,"murmured Mother,"What was the question?"
"Who put the dead mouse in my drawer?"answered Johnny.

 

[annieyu]

What Lincoln Did?

Father: Get up,son.When Lincoln was your age,do you know what he was doing?

Son:No,Dad,I don't .But I do know what he was doing when he was in your age.

 

[annieyu]

Good Answer

Interviewing an applicant for a chauffeur's job, a man said,"Now ,I want a very careful chauffeur, one who doesn't take the slightest risk."
The applicant responded,"I 'm your man,sir.Can I have my salary in advance?"

 

[annieyu]

Hint

Leaving a plush dinner club one night,a miserly gentleman stalked right past the doorman without tipping him.
Nevertheless, the doorman helped the man into the car with a flourish and said pleasantly,"By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way home,sir,just remember that you didn't pull it out here."

 

[annieyu]

Good Reason

First mechanic: Which do you prefer,leather or fabric for the upholstery in cars?
Second mechanic: I like fabrics.Leather is too hard to wipe your hands on.